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Some kid just stopped by my house trying to raise money for college by selling magazines. Or at least that’s what I think he was doing. I didn’t end up buying anything, and not solely because I’m cheap (you all know that I am), but more so because I was just confused. As I shut the door it dawned on me how crucial the ability to sell something is as a skill. And of course as part of that effective communication.
As I came back to my desk I was picturing the scene from Boiler Room where the main character gives the telephone sales person a lesson on selling. I felt like I should’ve done the same for this poor guy. What he gave me was some strange round-about speech about “have you been to college” and “do you have any advice for me for college” and then started handing me these laminated cards and he’s talking about magazines and earning points... and at that point I was just like “dude, can’t handle it right now.”
A more effective approach would be to get back to the basics and hit up the good ol’ Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How. Ok, in this case he could probably could have struck the Where, but the others would have been infinitely useful. Allow me to illustrate:
Who: Hello, I am [name]
What: I have a dream of opening up a restaurant in Las Vegas and the first step for that dream is going to culinary school. Today I am out trying to raise money to help me achieve the first step of that dream. I am working with this project [hand first laminated sheet], which is a legitmate national organization.
How: Here [hand second laminated sheet] is a list of highly entertaining and insightful magazines that you can order through me. Each order that's placed helps me earn points that can lead to scholarship money for school.
Why: There are a lot of reasons to particiapte in this. First of all you will be helping someone achieve a life long dream. You will also recieve a magazine in exchange, which can bring you pleasure, education, or a little of both. You can also choose to purchase one of these magazines as a gift for somebody else. What are your interests? Maybe I can recommend a magazine from the list [which was quite long].
When: I have one shot at this program so I have to collect orders on the spot. I'd love to be able to give you more time to think about it, but that's not possible in this case.
Had I been approached like that, I would have been armed with all of the information necessary to make a decision, and might have felt more compelled to pick out one of the mags.
In fact, now that I think about it, there was a high school kid that came around last week raising money for his summer league. This kid was obviously younger than the fellow that stopped by today, but he had an intuitive grasp of the sales process. He started off by telling me his name and where he lived (Who and Where, if you like); that he was raising money for his high school's summer league team (What); he handed me a piece of paper and said that to contribute you could buy a car wash or pancake breakfast, or that you could simply donate money (How). The Why might have been the icing on the cake there, but I felt very informed very quickly and dug out $5 as a donation (I'm too lazy to take my car for a wash at the school's campus or go anywhere for a pancake breakfast).
There was also a difference in nerves between the two. The culinary school kid vibed that he was inconveniencing me while the baseball kid acted as if he was just doing his job. Going door to door isn't easy by any stretch, but I think you've got to approach it as if you've got something viable to sell (whether it's a charitable cause or some actual product) and that some people are going to want it and others aren't.
I think the baseball kid shows that some people have a natural ability for selling and just know how to phrase things to make them more palatable to customers. All's not lost for the rest though, because I think selling is very teachable and when you realize how much of life is selling -- whether you're selling a product or selling yourself -- there's a very strong case for nearly everyone learning how to sell.
Kopp
Friday, May 08, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I'm sorry to do this...
I've decided that since these two commercials have earwigged their way deep into the hippocampus of my brain and don't appear ready to leave anytime soon, I would do the disservice to all of you to spread the affliction, which, like many other affronts to the human race, began with the unholy union of chain restaurants and advertising agencies. Once again, Sorry.
Take one of these...
...and one of these...
...And count backwards from 100. Hopefully you'll pass out before the blood starts to run from your ears but in any case, don't be scared. When you wake up, you'll feel completely normal aside from an intermittant urge to eat bananafish pancakes in your garage. (if you've read the post before clicking on the links, that last phrase might not have made much sense. It will.)
Take one of these...
...and one of these...
...And count backwards from 100. Hopefully you'll pass out before the blood starts to run from your ears but in any case, don't be scared. When you wake up, you'll feel completely normal aside from an intermittant urge to eat bananafish pancakes in your garage. (if you've read the post before clicking on the links, that last phrase might not have made much sense. It will.)
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Resetting My Sleep Schedule
For pretty much all of my life I've had a pretty odd sleep schedule. I've tended to always prefer the night time and have been known to stay up until all hours of the night for pretty much no reason, and then sleep through much of the day. I've tried setting myself on a "normal" sleep schedule -- particularly since I married a woman with a very normal sleep schedule -- and the only way I've been able to achieve it is:
1) Using a high powered alarm clock set far away from the bed to get me out of bed in the morning
2) Ingesting large amounts of caffeine to jump start the system at the beginning of the day
3) Staying on the brink of exhaustion most of the time to allow me to fall asleep at a normal hour
But It's time to put those days behind me and the inspiration is this great illustration of circadian rhythms that I found in Wikipedia, complete with the good ol' Da Vinci man in the middle (click here for the larger version). So the new schedule is starting now, and that means going to bed between 11PM and 12AM -- after melatonin secretion has started and after bowel movements have been supressed -- and getting up in the morning at 7AM -- just after the sharpest rise in blood pressure and slightly before melatonin secretion stops.
But that's not all. This handy chart has encouraged me to do a whole lot more with my life. Here are a few of the other things that I am now setting out to do to make the most of my circadian rhythm:
Alternatively, between 7PM and 9PM would work. When I have my body heat harnessing device invented I will be spending this time slot extracting my body's heat, but I'm sure I'll be able to talk on the phone at the same time. I can't promise that the body heat extracting device won't be noisy, but I'm sure we can talk loudly.
This schedule also leaves me little time to blog, but I'll be sure to check back in in a couple of weeks to let readers know how my life has been elevated to supreme levels by following this schedule.
1) Using a high powered alarm clock set far away from the bed to get me out of bed in the morning
2) Ingesting large amounts of caffeine to jump start the system at the beginning of the day
3) Staying on the brink of exhaustion most of the time to allow me to fall asleep at a normal hour
But It's time to put those days behind me and the inspiration is this great illustration of circadian rhythms that I found in Wikipedia, complete with the good ol' Da Vinci man in the middle (click here for the larger version). So the new schedule is starting now, and that means going to bed between 11PM and 12AM -- after melatonin secretion has started and after bowel movements have been supressed -- and getting up in the morning at 7AM -- just after the sharpest rise in blood pressure and slightly before melatonin secretion stops.But that's not all. This handy chart has encouraged me to do a whole lot more with my life. Here are a few of the other things that I am now setting out to do to make the most of my circadian rhythm:
- Highest testosterone excretion is at 9AM, so this is when I will train everyday for my debut in the Ultimate Fighting Championship octagon. Of course, I will refuse to take any match that isn't scheduled at 9AM.
- High alertness is at 10AM. This is when I will do all of my driving. If there are errands to run 10AM is when that happens, otherwise I stay inside.
- Best coordination is at 2:30PM. Washing dishes and other house chores will take place at this time -- dropped, broken, and chipped dishes will be a thing of the past. I will also hone my shuriken throwing skills during this time slot.
- At 3:30PM is the peak of reaction time so obviously this is the time I will set aside to play Wii baseball. Think you can get a 90mph fastball by me Mr. Wii? Think again.
- Greatest cardiovascular efficiency and muscular strength comes at 5PM. I'll never succeed in my 9AM UFC debut without being in shape, so this is when my training will take place. Of course this will have to be done at home (no driving after peak alertness) and without any weights (why risk injuring myself with weights after peak coordination time?).
- Highest blood pressure and body temperature occur at 6:30PM and 7PM, respectively. I will use this time to harvest my body's naturally elevated temperature and turn it into electricty to help power my house. Since no such device for doing that currently exists, I will use the peak alertness time on days that I don't drive anywhere to work on inventing such a device.
Alternatively, between 7PM and 9PM would work. When I have my body heat harnessing device invented I will be spending this time slot extracting my body's heat, but I'm sure I'll be able to talk on the phone at the same time. I can't promise that the body heat extracting device won't be noisy, but I'm sure we can talk loudly.
This schedule also leaves me little time to blog, but I'll be sure to check back in in a couple of weeks to let readers know how my life has been elevated to supreme levels by following this schedule.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
A Few Fun Links
Please tell me that by now you've heard the infamous audio of Christian Bale losing his shit on the set of the new Terminator move. What? No? Ok, well here it is. But I'll give you one better, nay! two better! Here's a clip from Conan with James Lipton reenacting the whole scene. You heard me right, James Motherflippin Lipton. And if that doesn't give you your fill of Balemania, check out this response from Warner Brother's PR department.And now for something completely different... Think the recession is no fun? Try setting it to music. Ah yes, the sweet sounds of the economy going down the tubes!
A Rather Odd Movie Review
So I received this letter from The New York Times the other day:
This was a surprising letter since I believed that my wife and I were the only ones that had a copy of our wedding video. What was even more surprising, however, was the review that was attached:
'Til a Dull Movie Do You Part
There is nothing inherently wrong with choosing a wedding as a setting for a movie. Love, deception, trust, betrayal -- these are all themes that can play out as a couple walks down the aisle under the gaze of friends and family. What can't work in this particular setting, or any other setting for that matter, is a plotless, conflict free, hour of drivel. Welcome to "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07."
We are first introduced to the main characters as they meet at the wedding alter in a beautifully apportioned outdoor wedding. Pachelbel's Canon in D slowly fades out and a handsomely dressed wedding party looks on as the female minister begins the ceremony. Viewers are then forced to sit through the entire wedding ceremony in real time, an intractably dull half-hour that brings little to the table in terms of revealing character motivations or underlying conflict.
Most viewers will undoubtedly be ready to cheer -- if they haven't already walked out of the theatre -- as rings are finally exchanged and the saccharinely happy couple kisses. A yet optimistic viewer might expect that at this point we would be treated to some sort of character development, tension building, or -- for God's sake! -- some dialogue. That optimistic movie goer (not to mention yours truly) would be sadly mistaken though.
What follows the ceremony is an extended montage that reveals nothing about either of the main characters or a single one of the wedding attendees. Instead, it appears to have been used almost solely to add time to the production and hopefully hoodwink viewers and distract them from the fact that the movie is completely void of any meaningful plot. As the mediocre music drones on, the camera jumps from one location to the next observing small groups of the wedding guests enjoy cocktails -- all in excruciating real time.
Any human being with an IQ over 10 will have almost certainly left the theatre and demanded their money back by the time the post-ceremony montage has finished. I must have somehow pissed off my editor though, and quite literally had to be restrained as I tried desperately to avoid wasting any more of my life watching this rubbish. Faced with a choice of losing my job or finishing the movie, I persevered. I was rewarded with a poorly rehearsed cake cutting scene along with multiple slow dancing scenes that would have put a meth addict to sleep.
What could have been bright spot among this hopeless mess were the speeches given by the best man, maid of honor, and the father of the bride. The speeches were punchy and humorous, yet touching at the same time. However, without any previous development of any of the characters involved, it was impossible as a viewer to take much of anything from the speeches other than the reactions of the actors. So what could have been a small oasis in this hopelessly arid crapfest of a movie fell flat and somehow left me even more despondent.
I was hopeful that, as the wild and very apparently drunk group of wedding attendees rushed to the floor at the conclusion of the father-daughter dance, we would finally get some sort of tension or climax. I was terribly wrong. As what appeared to be the most interesting part of the night began to unfold, the movie abruptly ended.
To say that this was a poorly written movie would be to assume that there was a script in the first place. Clearly words had been put on paper -- the aforementioned speeches as well as the ceremony were obviously pre-planned -- but the writer seems to have no sense of how to set up a story, create conflict, or generally keep his viewer from wanting to bite through the restraints keeping him in his chair, throw the movie projector at his boss, and run out into oncoming traffic.
Even as an attempt at avant-garde filmmaking, this falls light years short. It is all too clear that everyone -- the main characters, the wedding party, the attendees -- are all happy at the beginning of the film, and are all just as happy (if not also much drunker) by the end of the film. It truly is traveling without moving, and in a movie that is about as interesting as casting Jean Claude Van Damme as an intellectual.
For those in the mood to see a God awful movie, my suggestion would be to head to Blockbuster and pick up a copy of "Navy Seals." If someone suggests "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07" to you, my suggestion would be to run away as fast as you can and never speak to that person again.
Dear Mr. Kopp,
We were forwarded a copy of your 2007 movie "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07" and have attached our review, which was recently published in our newspaper. While we can not change the opinion of our reviewers, we do encourage you to contact us with any factual inaccuracies.
Regards,
XXXXXXXX
Editor, Arts & Leisure
This was a surprising letter since I believed that my wife and I were the only ones that had a copy of our wedding video. What was even more surprising, however, was the review that was attached:
'Til a Dull Movie Do You Part
There is nothing inherently wrong with choosing a wedding as a setting for a movie. Love, deception, trust, betrayal -- these are all themes that can play out as a couple walks down the aisle under the gaze of friends and family. What can't work in this particular setting, or any other setting for that matter, is a plotless, conflict free, hour of drivel. Welcome to "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07."
We are first introduced to the main characters as they meet at the wedding alter in a beautifully apportioned outdoor wedding. Pachelbel's Canon in D slowly fades out and a handsomely dressed wedding party looks on as the female minister begins the ceremony. Viewers are then forced to sit through the entire wedding ceremony in real time, an intractably dull half-hour that brings little to the table in terms of revealing character motivations or underlying conflict.
Most viewers will undoubtedly be ready to cheer -- if they haven't already walked out of the theatre -- as rings are finally exchanged and the saccharinely happy couple kisses. A yet optimistic viewer might expect that at this point we would be treated to some sort of character development, tension building, or -- for God's sake! -- some dialogue. That optimistic movie goer (not to mention yours truly) would be sadly mistaken though.
What follows the ceremony is an extended montage that reveals nothing about either of the main characters or a single one of the wedding attendees. Instead, it appears to have been used almost solely to add time to the production and hopefully hoodwink viewers and distract them from the fact that the movie is completely void of any meaningful plot. As the mediocre music drones on, the camera jumps from one location to the next observing small groups of the wedding guests enjoy cocktails -- all in excruciating real time.
Any human being with an IQ over 10 will have almost certainly left the theatre and demanded their money back by the time the post-ceremony montage has finished. I must have somehow pissed off my editor though, and quite literally had to be restrained as I tried desperately to avoid wasting any more of my life watching this rubbish. Faced with a choice of losing my job or finishing the movie, I persevered. I was rewarded with a poorly rehearsed cake cutting scene along with multiple slow dancing scenes that would have put a meth addict to sleep.
What could have been bright spot among this hopeless mess were the speeches given by the best man, maid of honor, and the father of the bride. The speeches were punchy and humorous, yet touching at the same time. However, without any previous development of any of the characters involved, it was impossible as a viewer to take much of anything from the speeches other than the reactions of the actors. So what could have been a small oasis in this hopelessly arid crapfest of a movie fell flat and somehow left me even more despondent.
I was hopeful that, as the wild and very apparently drunk group of wedding attendees rushed to the floor at the conclusion of the father-daughter dance, we would finally get some sort of tension or climax. I was terribly wrong. As what appeared to be the most interesting part of the night began to unfold, the movie abruptly ended.
To say that this was a poorly written movie would be to assume that there was a script in the first place. Clearly words had been put on paper -- the aforementioned speeches as well as the ceremony were obviously pre-planned -- but the writer seems to have no sense of how to set up a story, create conflict, or generally keep his viewer from wanting to bite through the restraints keeping him in his chair, throw the movie projector at his boss, and run out into oncoming traffic.
Even as an attempt at avant-garde filmmaking, this falls light years short. It is all too clear that everyone -- the main characters, the wedding party, the attendees -- are all happy at the beginning of the film, and are all just as happy (if not also much drunker) by the end of the film. It truly is traveling without moving, and in a movie that is about as interesting as casting Jean Claude Van Damme as an intellectual.
For those in the mood to see a God awful movie, my suggestion would be to head to Blockbuster and pick up a copy of "Navy Seals." If someone suggests "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07" to you, my suggestion would be to run away as fast as you can and never speak to that person again.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
This I Believe
Staying on the topic of "kids say the darnedest things," I heard a great installment of "This I Believe" on NPR the other day from 7-year-old named Tarak McLain. Now I was expecting something like "I believe that Hannah Montana is awesome" (which, by the way, she is), but instead I got these 30 gems:
Now obviously young Tarak is a happy, energetic youth who's excited and optimistic about the future and that colors a lot of what he has put forward here. Being a bit older, and far more cynical and jaded, I thought I'd share my version of 30 things I believe:
I believe religion is the opiate of the masses
I believe religion is losing out to TV
I believe my dog is cooler than your dog
I believe under ripe bananas are disgusting
I believe Jennifer Aniston is way overrated
I believe coffee tastes best all the time
I believe moldy bread is ok as long as you cut off the moldy parts (the large ones at least)
I believe a cheeseburger with ketchup is the great American meal
I believe college is overpriced
I believe breast implants are among the worst inventions ever
I believe teachers should be paid like professional athletes
I believe bad teachers need to be fired... now
I believe doing dishes is the doorway to enlightenment
I believe marijuana should be legal
I believe Cheesecake Factory gives you way too much food
I believe Guns 'n Roses is nothing without Slash
I believe breakfast is the best meal of the day
I believe not all my Facebook "friends" are really friends
I believe babies are not all they're cracked up to be
I believe Intel makes better processors
I believe TBS is very funny
I believe Ethiopian coffees are the best combination of quality and price
I believe queue theory should be taught in high school
I believe Blu-ray is well worth the upgrade
I believe churches should pay property taxes
I believe Mario Brothers is head and shoulders above Sonic the Hedgehog
I believe skinny jeans on men are ridiculous
I believe "I'm With Busey" was cancelled by mistake
I believe cigarettes are cool
I believe there is life on other planets
I believe life is good.
I believe God is in everything.
I believe we’re all equal.
I believe we can help people.
I believe everyone is weird in their own way.
I believe hate is a cause for love.
I believe that when I meditate I feel peaceful.
I believe we should be generous.
I believe brothers and sisters should be kind to each other.
I believe kids should respect their parents.
I believe I should not whine.
I believe people should wake up early.
I believe people should go outside more.
I believe in nature.
I believe people should use less trees.
I believe we should help the Arctic and rainforest animals.
I believe people shouldn’t throw litter on the ground.
I believe people should not smoke.
I believe God is in good and bad.
I believe in magic.
I believe people should not give up.
I believe love is everywhere.
I believe that God helps us to have a good time.
I believe we live best in a community.
I believe we can protect people in danger.
I believe we should help the poor.
I believe its OK to die but not to kill.
I believe war should not have started.
I believe war should stop.
I believe we can make peace.
Now obviously young Tarak is a happy, energetic youth who's excited and optimistic about the future and that colors a lot of what he has put forward here. Being a bit older, and far more cynical and jaded, I thought I'd share my version of 30 things I believe:
I believe religion is the opiate of the masses
I believe religion is losing out to TV
I believe my dog is cooler than your dog
I believe under ripe bananas are disgusting
I believe Jennifer Aniston is way overrated
I believe coffee tastes best all the time
I believe moldy bread is ok as long as you cut off the moldy parts (the large ones at least)
I believe a cheeseburger with ketchup is the great American meal
I believe college is overpriced
I believe breast implants are among the worst inventions ever
I believe teachers should be paid like professional athletes
I believe bad teachers need to be fired... now
I believe doing dishes is the doorway to enlightenment
I believe marijuana should be legal
I believe Cheesecake Factory gives you way too much food
I believe Guns 'n Roses is nothing without Slash
I believe breakfast is the best meal of the day
I believe not all my Facebook "friends" are really friends
I believe babies are not all they're cracked up to be
I believe Intel makes better processors
I believe TBS is very funny
I believe Ethiopian coffees are the best combination of quality and price
I believe queue theory should be taught in high school
I believe Blu-ray is well worth the upgrade
I believe churches should pay property taxes
I believe Mario Brothers is head and shoulders above Sonic the Hedgehog
I believe skinny jeans on men are ridiculous
I believe "I'm With Busey" was cancelled by mistake
I believe cigarettes are cool
I believe there is life on other planets
Friday, January 16, 2009
Letters to Obama
McSweeney's has a list of letters written by kids to the President-elect. Most are in line with what you might expect, but I thought this one was particularly notable:
The $1 million question (or has inflation pushed it up to the $1 billion question? Or $1 trillion??) is whether young Dhamaril Nunez will foster what is obviously a sharp intellect and -- maybe more questionably -- an interest in meaningful issues or will he end up like the rest of us, drinking too much coffee to shake off too little sleep, making sure that we always have a smaller iPod than the guy next to us at work, and wondering whether this time Britney's comeback will stick. I'd hope for the former, but would put my money on the latter. Fight the good fight young Dhamaril! Fight it hard...
As for you el Presidente, set up that damn phone! It sounds like you'd get far better ideas from nine-year-olds than Congress -- and I mean you Madame Speaker!
Dear Barack Obama,
I have a great idea for you: you should set up a special phone, a special place just for kids to call the president if they find things that are dangerous and can affect people, like someone smoking. This would be a special place for kids to talk to Barack Obama and let him know what's going on.
Another important thing that I want to talk to you about is cars and buses. There is a bus called the Galactic Wizard which runs on biofuel or vegetable oil. I think, instead of polluting the environment, scientists should work on those buses. You should make it so that everyone turns off any light whenever they are not in the room—that way we can save the environment and also pay less on our electricity. We can't just use up the environment until we have nothing, or we will starve to death. Nobody wants that, do they? I want to tell you, Barack Obama, if one day I could travel around the world and help people, I would definitely do it.
Dhamaril Nunez, age 9
Boston
The $1 million question (or has inflation pushed it up to the $1 billion question? Or $1 trillion??) is whether young Dhamaril Nunez will foster what is obviously a sharp intellect and -- maybe more questionably -- an interest in meaningful issues or will he end up like the rest of us, drinking too much coffee to shake off too little sleep, making sure that we always have a smaller iPod than the guy next to us at work, and wondering whether this time Britney's comeback will stick. I'd hope for the former, but would put my money on the latter. Fight the good fight young Dhamaril! Fight it hard...
As for you el Presidente, set up that damn phone! It sounds like you'd get far better ideas from nine-year-olds than Congress -- and I mean you Madame Speaker!
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