Subgenus

The Art of Selling

2009-05-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

Some kid just stopped by my house trying to raise money for college by selling magazines. Or at least that’s what I think he was doing. I didn’t end up buying anything, and not solely because I’m cheap (you all know that I am), but more so because I was just confused. As I shut the door it dawned on me how crucial the ability to sell something is as a skill. And of course as part of that effective communication.

As I came back to my desk I was picturing the scene from Boiler Room where the main character gives the telephone sales person a lesson on selling. I felt like I should’ve done the same for this poor guy. What he gave me was some strange round-about speech about “have you been to college” and “do you have any advice for me for college” and then started handing me these laminated cards and he’s talking about magazines and earning points... and at that point I was just like “dude, can’t handle it right now.”

A more effective approach would be to get back to the basics and hit up the good ol’ Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How. Ok, in this case he could probably could have struck the Where, but the others would have been infinitely useful. Allow me to illustrate:

Who: Hello, I am [name]

What: I have a dream of opening up a restaurant in Las Vegas and the first step for that dream is going to culinary school. Today I am out trying to raise money to help me achieve the first step of that dream. I am working with this project [hand first laminated sheet], which is a legitmate national organization.

How: Here [hand second laminated sheet] is a list of highly entertaining and insightful magazines that you can order through me. Each order that's placed helps me earn points that can lead to scholarship money for school.

Why: There are a lot of reasons to particiapte in this. First of all you will be helping someone achieve a life long dream. You will also recieve a magazine in exchange, which can bring you pleasure, education, or a little of both. You can also choose to purchase one of these magazines as a gift for somebody else. What are your interests? Maybe I can recommend a magazine from the list [which was quite long].

When: I have one shot at this program so I have to collect orders on the spot. I'd love to be able to give you more time to think about it, but that's not possible in this case.

Had I been approached like that, I would have been armed with all of the information necessary to make a decision, and might have felt more compelled to pick out one of the mags.

In fact, now that I think about it, there was a high school kid that came around last week raising money for his summer league. This kid was obviously younger than the fellow that stopped by today, but he had an intuitive grasp of the sales process. He started off by telling me his name and where he lived (Who and Where, if you like); that he was raising money for his high school's summer league team (What); he handed me a piece of paper and said that to contribute you could buy a car wash or pancake breakfast, or that you could simply donate money (How). The Why might have been the icing on the cake there, but I felt very informed very quickly and dug out $5 as a donation (I'm too lazy to take my car for a wash at the school's campus or go anywhere for a pancake breakfast).

There was also a difference in nerves between the two. The culinary school kid vibed that he was inconveniencing me while the baseball kid acted as if he was just doing his job. Going door to door isn't easy by any stretch, but I think you've got to approach it as if you've got something viable to sell (whether it's a charitable cause or some actual product) and that some people are going to want it and others aren't.

I think the baseball kid shows that some people have a natural ability for selling and just know how to phrase things to make them more palatable to customers. All's not lost for the rest though, because I think selling is very teachable and when you realize how much of life is selling -- whether you're selling a product or selling yourself -- there's a very strong case for nearly everyone learning how to sell.

Kopp

I'm sorry to do this...

2009-03-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

I've decided that since these two commercials have earwigged their way deep into the hippocampus of my brain and don't appear ready to leave anytime soon, I would do the disservice to all of you to spread the affliction, which, like many other affronts to the human race, began with the unholy union of chain restaurants and advertising agencies. Once again, Sorry.

Take one of these...

...and one of these...

...And count backwards from 100. Hopefully you'll pass out before the blood starts to run from your ears but in any case, don't be scared. When you wake up, you'll feel completely normal aside from an intermittant urge to eat bananafish pancakes in your garage. (if you've read the post before clicking on the links, that last phrase might not have made much sense. It will.)

Resetting My Sleep Schedule

2009-02-26T15:14:00.000-08:00

For pretty much all of my life I've had a pretty odd sleep schedule. I've tended to always prefer the night time and have been known to stay up until all hours of the night for pretty much no reason, and then sleep through much of the day. I've tried setting myself on a "normal" sleep schedule -- particularly since I married a woman with a very normal sleep schedule -- and the only way I've been able to achieve it is:

1) Using a high powered alarm clock set far away from the bed to get me out of bed in the morning
2) Ingesting large amounts of caffeine to jump start the system at the beginning of the day
3) Staying on the brink of exhaustion most of the time to allow me to fall asleep at a normal hour

But It's time to put those days behind me and the inspiration is this great illustration of circadian rhythms that I found in Wikipedia, complete with the good ol' Da Vinci man in the middle (click here for the larger version). So the new schedule is starting now, and that means going to bed between 11PM and 12AM -- after melatonin secretion has started and after bowel movements have been supressed -- and getting up in the morning at 7AM -- just after the sharpest rise in blood pressure and slightly before melatonin secretion stops.

But that's not all. This handy chart has encouraged me to do a whole lot more with my life. Here are a few of the other things that I am now setting out to do to make the most of my circadian rhythm:

Highest testosterone excretion is at 9AM, so this is when I will train everyday for my debut in the Ultimate Fighting Championship octagon. Of course, I will refuse to take any match that isn't scheduled at 9AM.
High alertness is at 10AM. This is when I will do all of my driving. If there are errands to run 10AM is when that happens, otherwise I stay inside.
Best coordination is at 2:30PM. Washing dishes and other house chores will take place at this time -- dropped, broken, and chipped dishes will be a thing of the past. I will also hone my shuriken throwing skills during this time slot.
At 3:30PM is the peak of reaction time so obviously this is the time I will set aside to play Wii baseball. Think you can get a 90mph fastball by me Mr. Wii? Think again.
Greatest cardiovascular efficiency and muscular strength comes at 5PM. I'll never succeed in my 9AM UFC debut without being in shape, so this is when my training will take place. Of course this will have to be done at home (no driving after peak alertness) and without any weights (why risk injuring myself with weights after peak coordination time?).
Highest blood pressure and body temperature occur at 6:30PM and 7PM, respectively. I will use this time to harvest my body's naturally elevated temperature and turn it into electricty to help power my house. Since no such device for doing that currently exists, I will use the peak alertness time on days that I don't drive anywhere to work on inventing such a device.

This schedule will obviously leave me little time for much else, however, there are still a couple decent times to contact me if you need to get in touch. Right around noon will be one such time since I have nothing scheduled for that slot. It is, however, about two hours past high alertness and two two and a half hours before maximum coordination, so be prepared for me to not pay particularly good attention to anything you have to say and don't be surprised if I drop the phone a few times.

Alternatively, between 7PM and 9PM would work. When I have my body heat harnessing device invented I will be spending this time slot extracting my body's heat, but I'm sure I'll be able to talk on the phone at the same time. I can't promise that the body heat extracting device won't be noisy, but I'm sure we can talk loudly.

This schedule also leaves me little time to blog, but I'll be sure to check back in in a couple of weeks to let readers know how my life has been elevated to supreme levels by following this schedule.

A Few Fun Links

2009-02-05T14:51:00.000-08:00

Please tell me that by now you've heard the infamous audio of Christian Bale losing his shit on the set of the new Terminator move. What? No? Ok, well here it is. But I'll give you one better, nay! two better! Here's a clip from Conan with James Lipton reenacting the whole scene. You heard me right, James Motherflippin Lipton. And if that doesn't give you your fill of Balemania, check out this response from Warner Brother's PR department.

And now for something completely different... Think the recession is no fun? Try setting it to music. Ah yes, the sweet sounds of the economy going down the tubes!

A Rather Odd Movie Review

2009-02-05T10:49:00.000-08:00

So I received this letter from The New York Times the other day:

Dear Mr. Kopp,

We were forwarded a copy of your 2007 movie "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07" and have attached our review, which was recently published in our newspaper. While we can not change the opinion of our reviewers, we do encourage you to contact us with any factual inaccuracies.

Regards,

XXXXXXXX
Editor, Arts & Leisure

This was a surprising letter since I believed that my wife and I were the only ones that had a copy of our wedding video. What was even more surprising, however, was the review that was attached:

'Til a Dull Movie Do You Part

There is nothing inherently wrong with choosing a wedding as a setting for a movie. Love, deception, trust, betrayal -- these are all themes that can play out as a couple walks down the aisle under the gaze of friends and family. What can't work in this particular setting, or any other setting for that matter, is a plotless, conflict free, hour of drivel. Welcome to "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07."

We are first introduced to the main characters as they meet at the wedding alter in a beautifully apportioned outdoor wedding. Pachelbel's Canon in D slowly fades out and a handsomely dressed wedding party looks on as the female minister begins the ceremony. Viewers are then forced to sit through the entire wedding ceremony in real time, an intractably dull half-hour that brings little to the table in terms of revealing character motivations or underlying conflict.

Most viewers will undoubtedly be ready to cheer -- if they haven't already walked out of the theatre -- as rings are finally exchanged and the saccharinely happy couple kisses. A yet optimistic viewer might expect that at this point we would be treated to some sort of character development, tension building, or -- for God's sake! -- some dialogue. That optimistic movie goer (not to mention yours truly) would be sadly mistaken though.

What follows the ceremony is an extended montage that reveals nothing about either of the main characters or a single one of the wedding attendees. Instead, it appears to have been used almost solely to add time to the production and hopefully hoodwink viewers and distract them from the fact that the movie is completely void of any meaningful plot. As the mediocre music drones on, the camera jumps from one location to the next observing small groups of the wedding guests enjoy cocktails -- all in excruciating real time.

Any human being with an IQ over 10 will have almost certainly left the theatre and demanded their money back by the time the post-ceremony montage has finished. I must have somehow pissed off my editor though, and quite literally had to be restrained as I tried desperately to avoid wasting any more of my life watching this rubbish. Faced with a choice of losing my job or finishing the movie, I persevered. I was rewarded with a poorly rehearsed cake cutting scene along with multiple slow dancing scenes that would have put a meth addict to sleep.

What could have been bright spot among this hopeless mess were the speeches given by the best man, maid of honor, and the father of the bride. The speeches were punchy and humorous, yet touching at the same time. However, without any previous development of any of the characters involved, it was impossible as a viewer to take much of anything from the speeches other than the reactions of the actors. So what could have been a small oasis in this hopelessly arid crapfest of a movie fell flat and somehow left me even more despondent.

I was hopeful that, as the wild and very apparently drunk group of wedding attendees rushed to the floor at the conclusion of the father-daughter dance, we would finally get some sort of tension or climax. I was terribly wrong. As what appeared to be the most interesting part of the night began to unfold, the movie abruptly ended.

To say that this was a poorly written movie would be to assume that there was a script in the first place. Clearly words had been put on paper -- the aforementioned speeches as well as the ceremony were obviously pre-planned -- but the writer seems to have no sense of how to set up a story, create conflict, or generally keep his viewer from wanting to bite through the restraints keeping him in his chair, throw the movie projector at his boss, and run out into oncoming traffic.

Even as an attempt at avant-garde filmmaking, this falls light years short. It is all too clear that everyone -- the main characters, the wedding party, the attendees -- are all happy at the beginning of the film, and are all just as happy (if not also much drunker) by the end of the film. It truly is traveling without moving, and in a movie that is about as interesting as casting Jean Claude Van Damme as an intellectual.

For those in the mood to see a God awful movie, my suggestion would be to head to Blockbuster and pick up a copy of "Navy Seals." If someone suggests "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07" to you, my suggestion would be to run away as fast as you can and never speak to that person again.

This I Believe

2009-01-20T15:08:00.000-08:00

Staying on the topic of "kids say the darnedest things," I heard a great installment of "This I Believe" on NPR the other day from 7-year-old named Tarak McLain. Now I was expecting something like "I believe that Hannah Montana is awesome" (which, by the way, she is), but instead I got these 30 gems:

I believe life is good.
I believe God is in everything.
I believe we’re all equal.
I believe we can help people.
I believe everyone is weird in their own way.
I believe hate is a cause for love.
I believe that when I meditate I feel peaceful.
I believe we should be generous.
I believe brothers and sisters should be kind to each other.
I believe kids should respect their parents.
I believe I should not whine.
I believe people should wake up early.
I believe people should go outside more.
I believe in nature.
I believe people should use less trees.
I believe we should help the Arctic and rainforest animals.
I believe people shouldn’t throw litter on the ground.
I believe people should not smoke.
I believe God is in good and bad.
I believe in magic.
I believe people should not give up.
I believe love is everywhere.
I believe that God helps us to have a good time.
I believe we live best in a community.
I believe we can protect people in danger.
I believe we should help the poor.
I believe its OK to die but not to kill.
I believe war should not have started.
I believe war should stop.
I believe we can make peace.

Now obviously young Tarak is a happy, energetic youth who's excited and optimistic about the future and that colors a lot of what he has put forward here. Being a bit older, and far more cynical and jaded, I thought I'd share my version of 30 things I believe:

I believe religion is the opiate of the masses
I believe religion is losing out to TV
I believe my dog is cooler than your dog
I believe under ripe bananas are disgusting
I believe Jennifer Aniston is way overrated
I believe coffee tastes best all the time
I believe moldy bread is ok as long as you cut off the moldy parts (the large ones at least)
I believe a cheeseburger with ketchup is the great American meal
I believe college is overpriced
I believe breast implants are among the worst inventions ever
I believe teachers should be paid like professional athletes
I believe bad teachers need to be fired... now
I believe doing dishes is the doorway to enlightenment
I believe marijuana should be legal
I believe Cheesecake Factory gives you way too much food
I believe Guns 'n Roses is nothing without Slash
I believe breakfast is the best meal of the day
I believe not all my Facebook "friends" are really friends
I believe babies are not all they're cracked up to be
I believe Intel makes better processors
I believe TBS is very funny
I believe Ethiopian coffees are the best combination of quality and price
I believe queue theory should be taught in high school
I believe Blu-ray is well worth the upgrade
I believe churches should pay property taxes
I believe Mario Brothers is head and shoulders above Sonic the Hedgehog
I believe skinny jeans on men are ridiculous
I believe "I'm With Busey" was cancelled by mistake
I believe cigarettes are cool
I believe there is life on other planets

Letters to Obama

2009-01-16T12:12:00.001-08:00

McSweeney's has a list of letters written by kids to the President-elect. Most are in line with what you might expect, but I thought this one was particularly notable:

Dear Barack Obama,
I have a great idea for you: you should set up a special phone, a special place just for kids to call the president if they ﬁnd things that are dangerous and can affect people, like someone smoking. This would be a special place for kids to talk to Barack Obama and let him know what's going on.
Another important thing that I want to talk to you about is cars and buses. There is a bus called the Galactic Wizard which runs on biofuel or vegetable oil. I think, instead of polluting the environment, scientists should work on those buses. You should make it so that everyone turns off any light whenever they are not in the room—that way we can save the environment and also pay less on our electricity. We can't just use up the environment until we have nothing, or we will starve to death. Nobody wants that, do they? I want to tell you, Barack Obama, if one day I could travel around the world and help people, I would deﬁnitely do it.
Dhamaril Nunez, age 9
Boston

The $1 million question (or has inflation pushed it up to the $1 billion question? Or $1 trillion??) is whether young Dhamaril Nunez will foster what is obviously a sharp intellect and -- maybe more questionably -- an interest in meaningful issues or will he end up like the rest of us, drinking too much coffee to shake off too little sleep, making sure that we always have a smaller iPod than the guy next to us at work, and wondering whether this time Britney's comeback will stick. I'd hope for the former, but would put my money on the latter. Fight the good fight young Dhamaril! Fight it hard...

As for you el Presidente, set up that damn phone! It sounds like you'd get far better ideas from nine-year-olds than Congress -- and I mean you Madame Speaker!

New Location

2007-06-22T17:12:00.001-07:00

For anyone that's found their way here, the site has been reincarnated at a new location on its own server at www.subgenus.net.

Get Shorty

2007-01-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

"Chili Palmer - it's chilly outside and it's Chili inside. It's a regular fuckin' Chili-fest!"

So said Ray Barboni, played by Dennis Farina, at the beginning of 1995's "Get Shorty." Right now I am watching "Get Shorty" for about the sixth or seventh time and the third time in a week. The movie is starring John Travolta as Chili, Gene Hackman as dumb-ass movie producer Harry Zimm, Rene Russo as horror film actress Karen Flores, and Danny DeVito as actor Martin Weir. The movie's got a great bunch of supporting actors as well including the aforementioned Dennis Farina who plays an outstanding part; Delroy Lindo, who you've seen in any number of supporting roles in everything from "Romeo Must Die" to "Broken Arrow" and "The Devil's Advocate;" "The Soprano's" James Gandolfini; and Jon Gries, who I barely recognized from his part as Uncle Rico in "Napolean Dynamite."

Aside from the writing and the cast, though, the most striking thing for me in "Get Shorty" is how freakin' cool Chili Palmer is. I really can't think of a cooler character in any movie off the top of my head. Sure, Dirty Harry is cool, as is Randle McMurphy in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and Tyler Durden in "Fight Club." The problem is that none of them are just as even-tempered and unwaveringly cool as Chili. From the pre-Barboni-confrontation statement he makes at the beginning of the movie "I'm not gonna say any more than I have to, if that" to his repeated easy beatings of Bo Catlett's bodyguard Bear, Chili is damn cool.

Think you know a cooler movie character? Email me - subgenus @ subgenus.net

Kopp

Pimping

2007-01-08T22:21:00.000-08:00

Recently I have been learning a lot about Buddhism and today was listening to a talk on occupations. In Buddhism, the noble eightfold path is the path that the Buddha laid out to help practitioners reach enlightenment. Buddhists don't believe that the path is magical or anything like that, but they view it as a practical way to get to the goal of enlightenment. Right Livelihood is the fifth step of the eightfold path which also includes right view, right resolve, right speech, right action, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration.

Anyway, Buddhists believe that there are certain occupations that are just not in sync with the path to enlightenment. Making and selling weapons is one such occupation, as is being involved in the raising and slaughter of animals (though Buddhists are ok with buying the meat from non-Buddhist butchers). Another job that is a no-go is anything that has to do with the selling of humans. Back in the day of Buddha, this referred first and foremost to slavery, but there are still some jobs (most not legal) today that involve this.

A job that the speaker mentioned was being a pimp. Though prostitution is not looked on badly by Buddhists (at least in comparison to the way the institution regarded in the West), the speaker said that since pimps sell the prostitutes, the job qualifies as buying and selling humans and is therefore no good. It got me thinking - does a pimp really buy and sell people? In some cases yes. For pimps overseas that are dealing in the trade of young boys and girls who really have no choice in the matter, pimps are certainly doing that. In, say, the US, though, many pimps could be seen as an example of outsourcing certain aspects of a job. Pimps can provide overall management, coordination, collection, protection, and scheduling for a prostitute - all value added services in the flesh industry.

Not that I'm planning on moving into the pimping industry or anything. I just thought it important to point out that for anyone that's a Buddhist, but has a yen to move into pimping, that it may be possible to do that and still stay on the eightfold path. It's just very important that you make sure that you clearly define your role as pimp - you are not there to sell the prostitute, rather you are there to facilitate situations where the prostitute can offer his or her services to a customer, as well as provide certain administrative and back office functions.

Kopp

The Box Song

2007-01-08T18:21:00.000-08:00

As much as I'd love to just blindly hate Justin Timberlake the way I hate Dave Matthews, he just seems to get himself involved in projects that make me can't help but like the guy. Most recently was the SNL "A Special Christmas Box" project. I'm sure most everyone has seen this already, but if you haven't, be sure to watch this:

A Special Christmas Box

Just be warned, this is the uncensored version.

Kopp

The Weather Man

2007-01-08T18:03:00.000-08:00

I started watching "The Weather Man" today with Nick Cage as weather reporter Dave Spritz. I haven't finished the movie yet, but it's not terrible. It's kindof a dark comedy and has some moments that at least made me Michael Caine plays opposite Cage as Spritz's father. I happen to really like Caine and though he has a small part he's solid as usual.

My problem, though, is the use of the inner dialogue for Spritz. I have to wonder whether somewhere in Screenwriting 101 there's something that says "avoid using inner dialogue like the plague." Typically it comes off as very contrived to me - it just seems like cheating. If Dave Spritz feels refreshed, get that to come across on screen, you don't have to tell me outright.

I'm sure there are some movies out there that I have liked and have used inner dialogue (though more tastefully I'm sure), but I can't think of any off the top of my head. The only movie that's coming to me right now is that Jude Law flick "Alfie." "Alfie" made extensive use of the inner dialogue from the very beginning and I turned that one off after less than ten minutes.

When I'm watching a movie I want to see a movie. If I want to have a chat with Nick or Jude I'll call them and do lunch.

Kopp

Unbelievable

2007-01-03T00:15:00.000-08:00

Unbelievable - that's really the only word to describe it. My dismay began right before Christmas when I was trying to fly back to the East Coast from San Francisco to attend a graduation. In a long line to check bags at 5AM in the San Francisco airport was bad enough, but then I get this call:

"This is United Airlines informing you that your flight has been cancelled." CLICK...

As I looked around there were cell phones doing the same thing all around me and people at the counter turning would-be fliers away. What happened? The Denver airport, a major United hub, had been shut down due to a blizzard. I'll spare the diatribe on how Denver is perhaps one of the worst choices for a hub... After a solid hour and a half on the phone with United's ticketing department, I finally managed to wrangle a trip that had me flying up to Sacramento, connecting to a flight going to Chicago, then flying on to Charlotte. Eighteen hours later, I'm there. Fantastic.

But that wasn't enough, oh no. After all the seasonal merriment was over, there I am waiting like a jackass at the baggage claim back in San Francisco. The problem? While one of my checked bags was beside me, the other was nowhere to be seen. So I file the paperwork and tell myself that I can deal with it. The next day I'm on the phone with a United baggage specialist who gives me the downlow on my bag:

Me: Have you been able to locate my bag yet?
United Employee: Sir, your bag is currently in trace, we will call you as soon as we are ready to deliver it.
Me: That's great! So you found it, where is it right now?
UE: I don't know sir, like I said your bag is in trace.
Me: (suspiciously now) Trace? What exactly does that mean? Is that code for "we don't know where the heck your bag is?"
UE: (silence)
Me: Fantastic.

A day later I was given a call that they had found the bag and would be delivering it between the hours of 3PM and 7PM. And I thought the cable guy was bad. At least I got my bag back.

In any case, two days later in a twist of fate eager to show me that United isn't the only airline that can make my life difficult, I flew a nonstop Southwest flight back to the East Coast earlier today to attend a funeral. Standing at the baggage claim in Philadelphia I was presented with an all too familiar situation - one checked bag in my hand and one nowhere to be seen. Beside me was a garment bag containing one suit and two button down shirts, missing in my other bag: all of my underwear, socks, t-shirts and toiletries. Fantastic.

There has not been a resolution to the most recent missing bag incident, though I'm told I can expect it a few days from now when all of those clothes will be nearly useless to me. The important thing, though, is that I've learned a couple valuable lessons from the whole thing:

1) When presented with a flight cancellation that effects a lot of passengers in the airport, don't bother going to the person at the counter. You'll have to wait forever which will lessen your chances of getting on a good replacement flight, and you'll have to deal with somebody whose likely very annoyed because angry passengers have been yelling at them. Instead, pick up one of the airline's courtesy phones, or use your cell phone to call the airline's ticketing department. You will vastly up your chances of getting to where you want to go.

2) When an airline "misplaces" your bag be sure to ask about what they can offer you. In the case of Southwest, I was given a crappy, but usable toiletry bag and was told that they will reimburse up to $50 for new clothes that I have to buy.

3) Don't check bags. Ever. If you can't fit all the clothes you want in your carry on, layer them on your body. For years I have had a strict policy of not checking bags but had to violate it on these last two trips. No more.

Kopp

Curses!!!

2006-12-20T05:25:00.000-08:00

Like any crazed sports fan of a city who's teams have fallen upon disappointment, I believe in the curse. Why? Partly because it's fun, partly because it's an excuse, but mostly because I believe in karma. The Hindu's and Buddhists believe that what you've done in the past will reward or punish you in your future life/lives. Now, I'm not big on the whole reincarnation thing but I do believe in karma within a given lifespan and, concerning sports, if we consider each season to be another incarnation of a team, the idea has relevance. But I digress.

The Cubs are cursed, until recently, the Red Sox and White Sox were cursed and, of course, the entire city of Philadelphia is cursed.

For those of you who don't know, Philadelphia phans are convinced of something called "The Curse of William Penn". This curse involves the statue of William Penn (The city's founder) set atop City Hall. Tradition dictated that no building in the city should ever rise above Billy Penn's statue so that he may look over his city. In 1987, a skyscraper called One Liberty Place was built three blocks away, dwarfing City Hall and blocking William Penn's view of Philadelphia. Since then, no major sports team in Philly has won their respective championships, though all four teams (football, baseball, hockey and basketball) have made it to the finals at least once in that time. The Eagles lost to New England, The Phillies had their big Joe Carter homerun off of Mitch Williams in the ninth inning of game six, the flyers lost the Stanley Cup in seven games in 1987 and then got destroyed in the championship round by the redwings ten years later, and the Sixers got the crap beat out of them by the Lakers in 2001 and never recovered. (if you want more information, check out this article on Wikipedia.org. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curse_of_Billy_Penn

There's some merit to the curse, if you belive in karma, which I do. But I also believe in one other, lesser known curse in Philadelphia. This is the curse of the demon Westbrook jersey. The legend goes as such:

In 2005, less than a week before Superbowl XXXIX (That's 34 for you non-Romans) I decided that as an Eagles fan, I should have an Eagles jersey to cheer them on.

--- The only other jersey I had ever owned was of the Chicago Bears' Neil Anderson (partly for the name, partly because I loved the team back when he played). During the time I owned the jersey, the bears were one of the worst teams in the NFL. Their previous days with Walter Payton brought them a championship in 1985, which is when I jumped the bandwagon (can you blame a 5-year old?). Since that time, I never owned another sports jersey--not for any particular reason--and I certainly didn't think anything of what I may have been responsible for in Chicago. But back to the story. ---

After shoping around at many of the local sporting goods stores finding only McNabb and T.O. jersey's, I happened upon one large Brian Westbrook jersey, my favorite player on the team. Elated, I purchased the jersey, brought it home and kept it safe until the day of the big game.

I wore my Westbrook jersey and the Eagles lost the superbowl but I had still not realized what I had done. And so, for the first game of the next season, a rematch of the previous year's NFC Championship game against the Atlanta Falcons, I met my friend, and fellow Eagle fan, Marc at a bar to watch the game. Before the game even started, Jeremiah Trotter (the Eagles run-stopper was ejected from the game against a team who lives and dies by their ground game). The Eagles lost, went on to an awful 6-10 record, T.O. who had previously behaved himself, went nuts and was released from the team, and we lost Javon Kearse, Donovan McNabb and many other key players to injuries. Right then, I realized that my jersey was cursed. Twice I wore it, and twice, the season was destroyed. I folded the jersey and placed it at the bottom of my drawers. Damage done.

The following season--this season--the Eagles started off with a bang, winning their first game in deciding fashion and began beating on their division rival NY Giants. I was at my girlfriend's house the morning of that game and went to meet my parents out to watch football have a few beers. When I arrived on the scene I noticed, to my own horror, that my mother was wearing the jersey. (She had Westbrook on her Fantasy team). I could only watch in sadness as my beloved Green Machine capsized. Place Kicker David Akers got involved in an altercation on the opening kickoff that got him beat up on the sidelines, Javon Kearse went down for the season...again and the Eagles blew a huge lead and lost on the final play of the game. They then proceeded to lose two other games on long field goals with no time on the clock and it seemed all was lost.

Weeks later, after chastizing my mother for something she didn't know about, I found the jersey had somehow gotten out of the drawer again and made its way downstairs. That week, Donovan McNabb went down for the season with a torn ACL.

Now the jersey is hidden. Hidden from my Mother, hidden from the mystery culprit who dropped McNabb and, most importantly, hidden from Jeff Garcia who has breathed new life into the team.

I now realize that I am the keeper of The Cursed Brian Westbrook Jersey. At the end of the season, I have vowed to purchase a lock box and hide the jersey and the key to the box from everyone until the Eagles win the championship. I have been asked why I don't just burn the thing but I will not. For one, I feel that desecrating Eagles gear, no matter how cursed is bad karma...and I'm deep into karma right now. The second reason, the more fantastic one, is that I worry that if I destroy the jersey, the curse will then be airborn and make its way into the jersey of an unsuspecting fan who may not understand the intricacies of the curse as well as I do. I have also vowed never to own another jersey of any professional athlete ever again. Perhaps I can undo what this jersey, along with my karma, has done.

So here I sit, watching my team improve to one game out of first place in the division, one win away from a playoff berth and a big divisional game against division leader, Dallas, this christmas weekend. I'm caring for the jersey as I would any bastard demon child and I promise all Eagles fans, that as long as the season is on, the cursed jersey will not see the light of day.

Now if only we can get the mayor to knock down One Liberty Place.

Anderson

Google Mobile

2006-12-18T20:22:00.000-08:00

To get subgenus back up and running with a bang, I just thought that I'd alert everyone to Google Mobile that hasn't used it yet. Very cool service, and clued me in to the fact that San Francisco does, in fact, have a Papa Johns. Now if it could only magically make a Dunkin Donuts show up in SF.

That's all for now.
-Kopp

Leprechaun in Mobile

2006-03-24T10:25:00.000-08:00

So there's a leprechaun in Mobile, AL. Or maybe just some bad crack. Depends on who you ask.

Video.

Kopp

Six Degrees

2006-03-22T21:42:00.000-08:00

I just caught a Hanes commercial with Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan. Just think about what this means for the Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon game.

Kopp

Enter the Wu

2006-03-20T15:08:00.000-08:00

Quite possibly one of my favorite Chapelle Show skits ever:

Wu-Tang Financial

And if that's not my favorite, maybe this one is:

Sam Jackson Beer

Kopp

Quarters

2006-03-20T08:24:00.000-08:00

Think you're pretty good at quarters? Think again.

Check this shit out: greatest quarters exhibition ever.

And he had just finished polishing off two fifths of Jack Daniels and a case of Milwaukee's Best when he started that showing (well, I don't know that, but I'm assuming).

Kopp

Chuck Norris

2006-03-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

For all the fans of the Chuck Norris facts, now you can show the world how you feel about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris T-Shirts

Kopp

2006-03-10T07:51:00.001-08:00

I like Jeopardy. I think it's a great show and I try to watch it as often as I can remember that it's on. The one thing I never fully understood is that you have to give your answer in the form of a question. I mean I get it. Who is... what is... I understand. Here's where I get tripped up. Does it have to be who is...? or what is...? If you gave the right answer in the form of any question is it still a right answer?

"Who the fuck is Archbishop Ferdinand?"

"Correct."

It seems like a viable response. I know you can't really be cursing on national primetime television but are we allowed to get creative here?

"He was the Ottoman Sultan who captured Constantinople in 1453."

"What is Mehmed II famous for?"

I'm really not trying to be funny. Is there a rule book that stipulates the type of question you have to ask to get the right answer. I really want to know. If there is, they either don't follow it or it makes no reference to verb tense agreement. How many times do you hear someone get a correct answer by saying "Who is..." just before they announce the name of a dead guy? Who is? He isn't is. He's was. The way I see it, if they're not going to stipulate that you have to answer the question with proper grammar, why should they be able to hold you to the way you ask your question answers...I mean answer questions...I mean the way you question your answers.........to hell with it, the words you put before the answer. That's all the show's gimmick is now anyway.

So the next time you're invited on Jeopardy and Trebek answers you:

"He was the Greek Orthodox priest who was reinstated as patriarch of Constantinople after its fall to the Ottomans."

You can question him:

"How would you describe Gennadios, Alex, you goofy little muppet."

And you can argue that you did, in fact, answer in the form of a question.

Oh and if you're wondering about the historical material I used, I have a test on the Ottoman Empire today so I've got it on the brain.

Anderson

MYOFuB - We don't care how you ask your questions as long as you're not asking us.

American Passtime or America Jr. Passtime?

2006-03-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

How in the hell does the American World baseball team lose to the American Jr. (aka Canadian) World baseball team?

From Fox Sports:
"Jason Varitek's 448-foot grand slam helped bring the United States back from an 8-0 deficit, but a Canadian team made up largely of minor leaguers held on."

What? What in the shit is going on here. We invented this shit. As we did with basketball... and [American] football for that matter. Wait a second here - are we only the best at sports we invent? Hmm... What sports do we dominate that we didn't come up with ourselves? Soccer? Not quite. Hockey? I don't think so. Track events? Hardly. Wrestling? Not even close. And now that the world is starting to catch on to baseball and basketball we can only fear that football is next to go. We're going to end up bringing freedom to the Iraqis only to have them whoop our ass in international football competition five years down the road.

We need a new sport and we need it quick. Based on the ADD culture of our country, we need something that's fast paced, but we also need something that's brutal enough that there's the possibility of somebody getting paralyzed during competition. My vote is dodgeball. Yes there was just recently a great movie out about dodgeball, and yes that's part of the reason I make the suggestion, but the real reason I think this would work is because American kids have grown up playing dodgeball for years. Given the great amount of experience we already have with the game, I think we have a significant head start over all other countries that may want to step in and try to lamely compete with us.

Of course, given the parameters that I laid out above, we'd have to modify the game a little bit since there's really no chance of significant injuries resulting from those big, bouncy red balls. First of all, the standard balls used in the competition will be changed to over-inflated volleyballs, since you can get a little more throwing speed and they provide a little extra sting on contact. The other change is that would be to add a "wildcard" ball at various intervals throughout the match. The wildcard ball would be a baseball and would stay in play until someone was hit with it, and that person (by both the rules and the resulting injuries) would not be able to return to the game.

I will be starting the first such team out here in San Francisco and hope to hear from any prospective challengers.

Kopp

Yanni Arrested

2006-03-07T09:06:00.000-08:00

No, this is not a joke. Well, in a way it is, but he really did get arrested.

The headline: Yanni Accused of Assaulting Girlfriend

The picture:

If you ask me, it doesn't get better than this.

Kopp

ROCK

2006-03-06T23:02:00.000-08:00

So I've been kicking around the last few weeks, just doing that sortof floaty thing where you're basically taking part in life, but not really - really life is just happening to you. So that's where I was - until - I turned on Greg Behrendt on Comedy Central tonight. In case you don't know Greg Behrendt, the short version of his resume is: he wrote the book "He's Just Not That Into You," was a writing consultant on "Sex and the City," and writes for "Cosmo" magazine.

Anyway, to get to the point, this is what Greg said that knocked me out of my "floating" - he said that on a daily basis, on a DAILY BASIS, you need to rock. And not just rock, you need to ROCK. Why? Because why not? Life is too short NOT to rock. And what's more, don't keep the rockin-ness to yourself, rock isn't a precious metal that we have to dig out of the ground, nor is it a commodity that's going up in price; nope, rock is not a zero sum game. In fact, when everyone rocks, the rockin is that much better. So share the rock.

And I'll tell you one more thing. There are a few people that are going to agree with me and Greg on this one. Henry Rollins would agree, Ozzy Osbourne would agree, Twisted Sister would certainly agree, AC/DC would agree 30 times over, even Jimi is agreeing from way up in the rockin party in the sky. Too young for all those guys? Well, I can tell you that System of a Down is going to agree here too and so is Linkin Park, and like him or not Marlyn Manson is rockin day in and day out as are those rocktastic chaps in Tool. Across the musical lines, Onyx has rocked with Biohazard and I don't think it would be crazy to think they're still rocking today. Snoop Dogg rocked hard with Rage Against the Machine, and Dr. Dre has been known to rock all over the damn place. Even Jay-Z rocked hard when he paired up with Linkin Park.

So if you're reading this and realizing that you aren't and/or haven't been rocking, if you don't wake up in the morning rock on your way to work, rock at work, rock after work and are hardly able to stop rocking long enough to pass out and get the rest needed to get back up the next day and rock harder than the day before, well, it's never to late to start.

ROCK ON

Kopp

MYOFUB - we want you to rock... really rock

KFed - PopoZao... Put Your Hands Up!!!!

2006-02-27T15:25:00.000-08:00

Here's a great great great great video of Kevin Federline (for the gossip-challenged, that's Britney Spear's husband) listening to his song "PopoZao" and just totally getting down.

The only thing I could legitimately compare this to is the proud look on a monkey's face as it throws its fresh poo around the room. And trust me, I am complimenting this song by comparing it to fresh poo.

The Video

Kopp

The Texas Congressional Race

2006-02-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

This just in from the front lines of the Congressional race in Texas.

Subgenus: Sir, what do you make of the ethics issues facing Tom DeLay in this race, and do you think that this is enough to keep him from getting the nod from Republicans?

Average Joe Texas Voter: Ethnics? Ethnics??? Tommy doesn't have no ethnics issues, he's a good ol' Texas boy born and bred. Honestly I don't know what all the hubbub is about. Now that Bar-ack Osama guy, now he's got some dang ethnics issues. What the hell is he anyway?

Subgenus: [dumbfounded] Well there you have it. Texas voters are not concerned in the least. As for the rest of us - time to move to Newfoundland.

Kopp

I thought you were in law school?

2006-02-14T20:07:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or is one of my best friends working his way through Hollywood Week on American Idol? Go Frank! Sing the one about your balls.

Anderson

Some Awesome New Tunes

2006-02-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

Being a music lover, one of my favorite things ever is to happen on something totally fresh (at least to me) and be able to share it with others. It's honestly been a while since I've been able to do that, so I'm really juiced about being able to throw two out there at once:

Lampshade - So if you put James Brown on acid (that old sunshine shit, not the weak stuff they give the kids these days) and threw him in the studio with the Avalanches and The Funky Meters, then had DJ Shadow do some post-production mixing, I think you'd come up with something sounding like Lampshade. This music is just dripping with funk - I actually had to hold my nose a few times. If you've ever thrown on an album and had the sudden urge to lean waaaaay back in your chair, throw one arm over the back of the chair and slowly nod your head while saying "yeeeeeeaaaaah man" - then this is an album for you.

Asamov - Some really sick shit that got me really excited from the first few bars I heard. Listening to these guys reminded me a lot of the first time the J-5 hit my aural cavities. Very similar in terms of overall feel as well as rhyming style - I call it an analogue to Oceans 11, you're not getting any heavy knowledge from the music, but listening to it feels damn good and you'll be glad you did it when it's all over. The beats and samples they use also remind me a lot of the Dilated Peoples, and while their rhyming skills may not be quite up to the snuff of The Roots, they are pretty friggin jazzy.

I'd really encourage any music lovers to check both of those out. Both can be downloaded off iTunes (Asamov / Lampshade), or you can buy the Lampshade CD from Vinyl Republik and the Asamov CD off Amazon. You can also hear samples of Lampshade on the Vinyl Republik site and samples of Asamov on their MySpace site.

Kopp

The Movie Voice-Over Guy

2006-02-03T11:43:00.000-08:00

Love the guy that does the voice-overs on movies? Well, here he is in all his glory:

MOVIE VOICE-OVER GUY

Kopp

Brokeback to the Future

2006-02-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

For those of you out there that saw the acclaimed hit "Brokeback Mountain" but thought it lacked something. Lacked that... well, you couldn't quite put your finger on it... wait, no, you could put your finger on it exactly: the movie lacked time travel. What is a beautiful gay love affair - or a love affair of any type for that matter, without time travel? Well, for those of you waiting for that little extra bit to set "Brokeback" really over the top, here you go - "Brokeback to the Future"

Kopp

Wake Up to Maria

2006-01-31T19:37:00.000-08:00

Ever wish you could wake up to the sound of Maria Sharapova's voice? Well here's your chance. Check out the Nike website. Click on the shoe to enter the site and click on the "get an athlete wake-up call." Choose from the athletes, set your time and - voila! - you'll get to hear the sweet sweet voice of Maria Sharapova first thing AM.

Kopp

CNN What Have You Become???

2006-01-31T19:34:00.000-08:00

From CNN:

Silverman, the girlfriend of talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel, recently starred in the feature-length film version of her stage show, "Jesus Is Magic," and appeared in the documentary feature "The Aristocrats." She is filming "School for Scoundrels" with Billy Bob Thornton. She also played Kramer's girlfriend with the "jimmy leg" in an episode of "Seinfeld."

-----
Are you kidding me? "jimmy leg?" Who do they have writing for CNN these days - Uncle Leo??

Kopp

What the Hell is MYOFUB???

2006-01-31T19:17:00.000-08:00

For anyone new to Subgenus, you may be wondering - "what in the hell is MYOFUB? Some sort of cult?"

I'm glad you asked.

MYOFUB is the official Subgenus slogan for the presidency of the United States for 2008. MYOFUB stands for "Mind Your Own Fucking Business," and that's the best policy that we believe is available for running the U.S. government.

Maybe we should take care of problems at home before blowing up other countries... ya think? Maybe the government should clean up their own heaping piles of debt before tightening the noose around American businesses... ya think? Maybe our Presidents should take a look into their own personal lives and pasts before telling others how they should lead their lives behind closed doors... ya think? So when 2008 rolls around, vote Subgenus and get the government to mind its own fucking business.

MYOFUB '08!

Grand Theft... Porno?

2006-01-31T19:09:00.000-08:00

"The Los Angeles city attorney on Thursday sued the makers of 'Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas,' saying that the companies illegally hid porn in their popular video game.

"City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo, who is running for California's Attorney General post in this year's primary, said that the game's developer, Rockstar Games, and its parent company, Take-Two Entertainment, didn't disclose the pornographic content in the game when it went before the video game industry rating board. The board initially awarded Grand Theft Auto a 'Mature 17+' (M) rating; if it had known of the hidden content, it would have, Delgadillo alleged, given it the much more restrictive 'Adults Only 18+' (AO) rating..."

This is really where I start to draw the line. So shoot me if I sound like a hippie, but if I get this right, in the "Grand Theft Auto" series auto theft is ok, carrying firearms is ok, assault and murder are ok, but throw in a little boob and all the sudden it's worth of being sued? Come on now people, really, if there's anything the United States needs it's a little more boob and a little less guns.

Maybe that's just the acid speaking...

Kopp

MYOFUB '08 - more boob, less guns!

Michelle Branch

2006-01-30T18:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, it's time for me to step into the Subgenus confessional booth. Five minutes ago, I logged onto Amazon.com and purchased not just one, but both of the Michelle Branch CDs. That's right - me - Michelle Branch - two CDs. And it's Ok. And I extend this to all the dudes out there who have been as of yet able to bring themselves to buy a Michelle Branch CD. Don't worry, I know it's pop and I know it's a chick with a guitar. But it just feels so right...

Anyway, I extend this as the day when it is now Ok for guys to purchase Michelle Branch's music. Go men! Run free and enjoy!

If you're into impulse purchases, well, here you go:

Just so you know, we get Mafia style kickbacks when you make a purchase through those links. But nobody ever got hurt from some kickbacks right?

Kopp

And then the Aliens Came Down...

2006-01-30T18:15:00.000-08:00

This is the South Carolina governor on a TV interview:

----------------------------

Newswatch * WIS * TV * January 29, 2006
Host: David Stanton
Guest: Gov. Mark Sanford

DS: What do you think about the idea of teaching alternatives to Darwin's Theory of Evolution in public schools for instance Intelligent Design?

Gov. Sanford: I have no problem with it.

DS: Do you think it should be done that way? Rather than just teaching Evolution?

Gov. Sanford: Well I think that it's just, and science is more and more documenting this, is that there are real "chinks" in the armor of evolution being the only way we came about. The idea of there being a, you know, a little mud hole and two mosquitoes get together and the next thing you know you have a human being is completely at odds with, you know, one of the laws of thermodynamics which is the law of, of ... in essence, destruction.

Whether you think about your bedroom and how messy it gets over time or you think about the decay in the building itself over time. Things don't naturally order themselves towards progression. Uuummm.. in the natural order of things. So, it's in fact, it's against fairly basic laws of physics and so I would not have a problem in teaching both. Uh, you saying this is one theory and this is another theory.

----------------------------

So classic... so, so classic... Amazing how one person could talk that much without putting together a single coherent thought and not be in a padded room.

Kopp

Fat, Gay People Are Hating On Simon Cowell...

2006-01-28T19:03:00.000-08:00

...and they should be...NOT! That's right, I said "not" and I said it in all caps with an exclamation point at the end.

So why are they mad? Because he insults them.

"But I thought he insults everyone, Ryan?"

Me to my dear friends, me too.

The truth of the matter is that whether you're white, black, fat, skinny, short, tall, gay, straight, Catholic, Pagan, ugly, beautiful, smart, stupid, cool or nerdy, Simon is going to rip you to shreds if you dare come on his show without any talent. Ok, so maybe he toes the line a bit at times but that's what makes him so great.

This world...strike that-this country is full of idiots who grew up singing because they love singing and were never able to notice that they have no real talent for the craft. I personally blame the friends and family for these poor, misdirected souls for not sitting them down and explaining to them very carefully that they don't have talent.

That aside, if you put yourself out there on American Idol, you have to understand that if you're not a great singer, you won't make the cut and if you're not any good, you're going to catch verbal sodomy from the cold-cocking Brit that I have come to love an appreciate.

Simon is getting ratings. You win his praise if you're good and you earn his jeers if you suck. Either way it's good television. Why don't people understand this?

Now Gay and Fat rights groups are pissed off because if a fat person comes on stage Simon calls them fat. When a homosexual male comes in and looks and sounds like a girl, he makes a comment about that. It has nothing to do with their sexual orientation, just their look. He does it with people dressed in goofy costumes and people who tan too much. Simon is not going around the streets pointing and laughing at these people. He sits at his table and waits for the idiots to come running. It's part of the show and everyone should know that by now. Don't get bent out of shape and certainly (to the activist groups out there) don't defend people who should know what their getting into. By your rationale, anyone without singing talent is able to raise a stink. "Simon insulted my singing talent." Of course he did, you have no talent. It's the same as, "Simon insulted my hair and my high voice." Of course he did, you look like a friggin' goofball and no one watching at home can figure out how the hell you got this far in your life without someone telling you how goofy you look and sound. It's the same exact thing.

As I said before I blame the family and friends of these people for the issue. If someone would have spared them the embarrassment of going on national tv and making an ass out of themselves by saying, "You know, I don't think that's such a good idea. I like how you sing but you don't have the voice they want for the show." As for the physical appearence, "Honey, the entertainment industry has very little to do with talent. It's about a look and a whole lot of marketing. If you must go on the show, please dress like a normal human being for one day. If you win, they'll strip away your individuality anyway so you might as well get the ball rolling." None of those were nearly as insulting as: "That was perhaps the worst audition we've ever had. You should quit singing immediately." or "You look like the Incredible Hulk's wife." (that last one was an actuall quote from this season)

Friends and family out there. Do your job. Be honest. In my opinion, if you let a bad singer with a bad look try out for the show and they get verbally destroyed because you didn't have the stones to tell them they're not good, you're worse than Simon and you are certainly no friend. I think the rights groups should start targeting these people instead of Simon. It's more their fault anyway.

Basically, what I want is for everyone to stay out of Simon's way. He's doing a job and he's providing me with a lot of entertainment. If you want to get angry at a show, try the biggest loser. They're exploiting fat people and turning it into a horrible human interest piece that isn't even interesting. Just because they're cheering them on doesn't make it noble. Not to mention the fact that they are basically saying that if you stay fat, you don't win. Bounce that one around your brain for a while. Or don't. Either way, leave the mad Englishman out of it.

Anderson
MYOFuB '08 - If you suck, we'll let you know.

Sex and the Sweet Art of Making Money on the Internet (aka: The Real Origins of the Internet)

2006-01-28T16:57:00.000-08:00

Making money on the internet is easy. Get a camera, find a few slutty female friends willing to take off their clothes for you, or, better yet, allow you to take pictures of them having sex. Then, take the pictures and post them on the internet. To make some serious money you can a) put the pictures up for free and put advertising up on your website or b) charge people a monthly subscription fee to see your buxom friends bare all.

Don't have friends willing to get naked? Well, the next best thing is to somehow attract people to your website and redirect them to a haven of naked glory. This guy has the right idea. How clever to hide porno links in text for computer parts. Attracting nerds and porno lovers all at the same time and just watch the green roll in.

Sex sells. What people generally mean when they say that is that you can sell just about anything when you're able to psychologically link that item with sex or the idea of sex. Want to sell a watch? Make it look very sexually desireable to the opposite sex. Hot dogs? Make eating a hot dog look like a sexy endeavor. Maybe the hot dog idea is all too easy.

So if sex can help you sell just about anything, then what's going to sell better than sex itself? I could just throw a few targeted keywords up here like "hot steamy blowjob" or "big naturals" and see how many poor dupes end up at this site because they were trolling the internet for "free porn" or "free naked celeb pics." Ha, I'm very tickled at myself.

You see, there are a great many ideas about what it is that started the internet (Al Gore for instance), but the real reason is sex and easy access to sexually explicit material. How much traffic on the internet is porn and porn related? It's really hard to guage given a lot of untrackable traffic, but some put the percentage as high as 80%.

Think of what porn entails, high quality (read: large files) images, full-length movies, live video chat sessions and who knows how much more. Now, think about all the technology needed to get those things to work: you need high speed and high bandwidth networks to carry the pictures and videos, appropriate video technology to allow for fast downloads and high resolution, video cameras and VoIP to handle live video chats, etc, etc, etc.

Face it, sex is driving the further development of the internet and internet related technology.

And you know what I say? GO SEX. More power to it. So go out, find those willing and able sexual deviants and put their pictures up on the internet. Make yourself some money and retire at an early age. Just remember to 1) give your "models" some of your fat earnings and 2) remember who gave you this great idea when the money is rolling in.

Subgenus OUT

Kopp

Word

2006-01-27T13:46:00.000-08:00

My Talking Chimp

2006-01-27T13:07:00.000-08:00

If you ever wished that you could get a chimp in a business suit to say whatever you wanted in a British accent, well, Click here.

You're welcome.

Kopp

That's Sexual Harrassement and I Don't Have to Take it

2006-01-26T16:10:00.000-08:00

The best sexual harrassment training video ever.

This harrassment training video isn't half bad either, plus it's got Tom Brady.

Kopp

Dance Honkey! Dance!

2006-01-26T16:06:00.000-08:00

A real life Napolean Dynamite performance. You really don't want to miss this one:

Dancing Trombone Guy

Kopp

Monkeying Around

2006-01-25T19:38:00.000-08:00

What's not to love about a chimp in a business suit?

Kopp

I Thought Every Day was the Worst Day Ever

2006-01-25T12:43:00.000-08:00

Apparently, we've gotten over the hump. January 24th was the worst day ever, and with that behind us, we're on easy street. Or so says Dr. Cliff Arnalls of Cardiff University. Dr. Arnalls actually came up with an equation to measure depression in the post holiday season. For your reference, here is the equation:

1/8W + 3/8(D - d)TQ + MN

where:
W = weather
D = debt
d = money due on January's payday
T = time since Christmas
Q = time since failure to quit a bad habit
M = general motivational levels
N = the need to take action and do something about it

Despite the fact that I don't know how to multiply 1/8 by "sunny and a bit chilly," I think this is pretty clever. I did the equation for myself and came up with "1/8(overcast) + 6.2" which, if I'm not mistaken, leads me to believe that I have another week or so before I reach my worst day ever.

But screw January 24th anyway.

For those of you still mired in post-holiday depression:
For the guys
For the ladies

Kopp

Call to Courtesy

2006-01-25T09:39:00.000-08:00

What the hell happened to courtesy?

What happened to holding the door, or giving a quick "thank you" for having a door held for you. Excusing yourself for interrupting a conversation or bumping into someone.

And what the hell happened to me that my mood for the proceeding minutes hinges on whether or not courtesy is shown at a given circumstance? Seriously, if I hold a door open for someone and it requires me to stand there for more than three seconds waiting for someone to hurry up, why is it that if they, in fact, hurry up and if they, in fact, thank me for holding the door, I am in a great mood for the next few minutes but if they drag their ass and don't thank me, I'm pissed off for those few minutes? Shouldn't I be above this by now?

Probably. But the fact of the matter is most Americans are not. We demand courtesy but rarely express it. It's part of that collection of double-standards that we live by in this great country that is really starting to burn me up. If you are made happy by someone who thanks you wouldn't you expect that most other people feel the same way to some degree? Wouldn't you want to be a part of their good mood? Or at least, wouldn't you want to avoid being part of their bad mood?

I am now posting a call to courtesy. Everyone, when someone does a small favor for you, thank them. Especially if you didn't ask. It brightens their day. In turn, their good mood might help them show courtesy or do someone else a good deed, thus brightening the days of more people. It's a win-win situation and the only cost? A few seconds of waiting or a brief thank you.

In this world that is simultaneously globalizing world culture and segregating the individual from society, we could all benefit from a little social interaction that doesn't revolve around a complaint or an attempt at getting laid. To say "Stop the maddness" or "Can't we all just get along" would be quoting things that hurt my brain so let's go with "Don't forget your please's and thank you's."

Anderson

The Return of the Shit List

2006-01-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

For those of you new to Subgenus, the "Shit List" is my rundown of MSNBC's picks of the hot celebs for the week and my takes as to who should be up there instead.

1) Rachel McAdams - despite the fact that she's Canadian, I'm down with McAdams. Besides being a pretty decent actress, she is hot, hot, hot. As for her movie background, not only was she in "Hot Chick" with Rob Schneider, but she also starred as a deliciously evil high school bitch in "Mean Girls."

2) Jason Lee - for once the list is actually recognizing people worth being recognized. While Lee will have a really tough time outdoing his awesome roles in the Kevin Smith films, "My Name is Earl" isn't a move in the wrong direction. Unfortunately for Lee, the scoop is that he's sidelined on acting right now with a case of the chicken pox. Mr. Lee, where have you been hanging out?

3) Howard Stern - I can see where this is coming from, but he's just gotten way too much coverage lately. I'm sure the move to Sirius was great, la dee da, let's get on with our lives. As a sidenote, I hear Sterny sold most of the Sirius stock that he got as part of his joining to company and that certainly was no small chunk of change.

4) Michelle Williams - At least there were two hot people in "the gay cowboy flick" - Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. Take her out back and shoot her with the rest of the former "Dawson's" cast. Yes, that includes you Katie Holmes. And why don't we just put Tom back there with them.

5) Steve Carell - I don't know what to say. Great pick. Just a great pick.

With really just two slots to fill here - for Stern and Williams - I'll throw out my two picks.

Steve Jobs - the man that brought us not only the iPod and the Apple Computer, but also the loveable animation from Pixar. But his many business achievements are not why I chose Stevey for the list. Rather, I put him up here simply because I need to be on his good side, as I fear him and his army of Mac zombies. Ever been to a Mac conference? Ever talked to the owner of a Mac? Yeah, you know what I mean. Talk about nerds with a chip on their shoulder. I feel like one word from Jobs and arctic-white clad nerds everywhere will be strapping iBombs to their chests and blowing themselves up in warehouses for Dell and Microsoft.

Adriana Lima - sure, easy call. But, the reason that I put here here is this: born in June of 1981, she is just slightly younger than I am. And this is likely the last time I'll be able to say that since she is now one of the older Victoria Secret models. Another year or two and the models in that catalogue will officially be much younger than I and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

-Kopp

Jon Bon

2006-01-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

From the Associated Press:
"Members of the band Bon Jovi escaped unharmed after their private plane skidded off a runway in Canada early Saturday.

It happened as their private Boeing 707 landed in Hamilton, Ontario, after a concert last night in Buffalo."

All I can say is thank God. I don't know what New Jersey would be without Jon Bon. Sure, we've got Aaron Burr, David Copperfield, Alan Ginsberg, Jerry Lewis, Jason Alexander, Norman Mailer, Norman Schwartzkopf, Frank "Frankie Blue Eyes" Sinatra and Thomas Edison, but what would the Garden State be without "Blaze of Glory," "Shot Through the Heart," "Livin' on a Prayer," "Wanted Dead or Alive" and "Bad Medicine???" That's not a world I want to live in.

I know a lot of people won't agree with me here, but personally, I wish the plane had crashed and burned and that Bruce Springsteen was on it. God I hate Bruce.

Kopp

Ethics, Etiquette and Protocol: The Loser's Guide to Life - Vol. 1: Myspace

2006-01-22T20:24:00.000-08:00

The ridiculously popular myspace has become the quintessential internet community. For no money and very little time, one is afforded a small amount of web space with which to make a small self-tribute page used (as far as I can tell) for one or more of the following:

1. Making friends
2. Making love connections
3. Providing desperate men with the means to jerk off to your image
4. Showing people how much you like beer
5. Regaining contact with estranged friends

The truth is, this web community is huge. You can post pictures; describe your personality; you can even choose one of a bazillion songs to play when people access your page. It's cool. I'm on it. I like it. Check me out if you want.

However, with this new territory of global digital relationships comes a great responsibility that I know a lot of you are not following. For this, I present to you my first installment of a series I'm calling Ethics, Etiquette and Protocol: The loser's guide to life. This volume, as you probably have already guessed, is going to tackle the wonderful world of myspace.

When building or maintaining a myspace site it is first important to remember the following mantra:

-Simplicity rules the web

Remember this for all things. I realize that once you get involved with MySpace to the unhealthy levels that most of us have, you begin to realize, at least unconsciously, that your page is your avatar (the digital representation of yourself) and like most Americans concerned deeply with self-image, you want to make "yourself" as attractive as possible. Beware. You can cause yourself a lot of trouble by overdoing it or by making a few poor decisions. We'll deal with the major properties of your myspace page and hopefully get you well on your way to increased security with your imaginary self and a greater sense of imaginary self-worth as you increase the number of imaginary friends you have. (Note: I say imaginary not to mean that this isn't a viable community or to denigrate the community or your participation in it. I merely mean that if you have more meaningful relationships on myspace than you have in real life, then you are a loser.)

The Name

Use your real name, please! If you want to use a nickname that is ACTUALLY a nickname go for it. If your name is John, don’t write Pimp Daddy. We’ll know you’re not a pimp. We’ll know that if you are actually a daddy, your kid is probably a loser without child support. What we won’t know is your name.

The Picture

This is the first (and in many cases, the only) thing that people look at so it is important to choose your photo wisely. This is essentially the face of your avatar (remember what avatar means? See above if you don't) and will tell people not only what you look like, but what kind of person you are. For instance, if your picture is a full-body shot of yourself with your hat on backwards and no sleeves on your shirt (if you're wearing a shirt) and you’re flexing your biceps while raising an eyebrow (ala The Rock) people will know you're a douche. Please, for the sake of your digital reputations, follow these rules when considering a photo:

Cover yourself - I know, I know. You want people to see how great your body is but for the guys, you just look like an effin' joke. Trust me. I've sat around while girls sifted through your profiles and laughed at you. As for the women. It's a little different. Guys definitely don't mind the skin but bear in mind what kind of guys you're going to have as friends if you have your cans hanging out...basically the eyebrow guys from the above paragraph. This will ensure that everywhere that a comment is possible will be filled with eyebrow douche-nozzle guy saying things like "When can I get some of that!" or "Nice bod, I can tell you have a lot of personality." It's just not worth it.
NO ALCOHOL!!! - I can't stress this enough. You want a quick way to look like an asshole on MySpace? Take a picture of yourself doing a kegstand and put it up there. Now there are some tasteful pictures that can pass. If it's a really nice photo but you're holding a beer, I can see how this could go against my rule. But everyone knows someone with a digital camera. It can be avoided. Take a new picture. The thing you have to remember is that there are two types of people in the world: those that drink and those that don't. Those who drink don't give a shit that you drink. It's nothing new to them. Keg stands are nothing new. Neither are beer funnels, nor lumberjacking (double-fisting) and your forty certainly isn't impressing anyone. Those that don't drink really don't give a shit that you drink. In fact, it just looks juvenile.
Careful with group photos - I understand that you want to include all your girls or your boys but it's friggin' confusing to everyone else. As far as I know, "Joe momma" is a frat boy with five heads...all of which can kiss my ass.
Don't use celebrity photos – I know it’s funny to have Mark-Paul Gossalaar as your photo but since no one can see your full name, your face is basically all anyone has to know that you are the person they’re looking for. Keep it legitimate no matter how unsightly you may be.

The Background

There’s not much to say about this except to remember the mantra. Solid colors are the way to go. White is always a good color but if you must change it (like I did) make sure that you change the whole color scheme so that it doesn’t clash and you can read the text. A black background always sucks and if you know someone who has a floating image as their background, smack them on the wrists, point your finger at them and say “NO!” Not only is it impossible to read a profile with the image but for those who have computers teeming with illegally downloaded songs and a slightly obsolete processor, they’ll get bored loading your page and move on to the next half-naked person.

The Song

There are no real big no-no’s here. This is a neat little way myspace has created to show your individuality. I recommend you avoid anything by Creed or Nickelback because they suck Bigfoot’s dick but if you must, you must. Just make sure that the song is easily ignored. If your music is irritating in any way people will leave your page in a hurry. Change it no matter how much you love Anthrax…and I do love Anthrax.

The info

We all have about a thousand movies and a million songs that we love but it’s not really necessary to include them all. Keep it simple. A half dozen is a good limit to set for yourself. If you really can’t decide between Legally Blonde 2: Red White and Blonde and You Got Served, just pick one. We’ll know you have bad taste either way.

That’s pretty much it. Have fun with myspace. It’s really a good web community and has been embraced by popular culture as well as computer nerds worldwide. Just remember to keep it simple and you’ll be on the fastrack to a list of hundreds of people who don’t know you but will claim you as their own in effort to improve their imaginary self-esteem.

Anderson

The Golden Globes

2006-01-21T12:35:00.000-08:00

So I did switch on the Golden Globes last week. I turned it on for the only part worth watching: the red carpet ceremony. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of opportunity to be cynical and sarcastic during the rest of the show, but in my humble opinion, the red carpet provides the best opportunity for rapid-response quickfire sarcastic commentary. And here we go:

Nancy O'Dell - hosing, because who the hell is she?
Julian McMahon - "Evil Doctor?" Awesome.
Keira Knightly - Eat something.
Jessica Alba - Almost as smart as my shoes.
Geena Davis - Why we shouldn't have a woman president. Also, 8x the size of her husband.
Will Ferrell - Broadway? Probably not. Please refer to exibit 1: Bewitched.
Ed Harris - Old. Wow, really old.
Gwenyth Paltrow - Pregnant or turned into a magical fairy? Who dressed you?
Adrian Brody - Holy Eurotrash Batman!
Natalie Portman - Joined the Lesbertarians??? Where'd your hair go?
Kevin Bacon - Where are the "Queer Eye" guys when you need them?
Marcia Cross - Aaaaaah! Horror!
Pierce Brosnan - Oh so smooth and sexy... until he started talking.
Pam Anderson - My those are some awesome... ahhh... novels you have there.
Kiefer Sutherland - Nice wife!
Chris Rock - Thinks Nancy O'Dell is an idiot. And is absolutely correct.
George Clooney - Little known fact: not actually sexy.
Matt Dillon - As much a caricature as ever.
Mandy Moore - Not socially awkward at all.
Jenny McCarthy - Who let you in?
Queen Latifa - TSUNAMI!!!!!
Charlize Theron - Cortney Love called. She wants her outfit back.
Johnny Depp - Which gutter did you crawl out of?
Michael Bolton - I don't think I need to say anything here.
Maria Carey - Who called the escort service?
Russell Crow - Maybe a little more grease in the hair.
Penelope Cruz - Latina crack whore or runaway hair monster?
Al Roker - Are my eyes decieving me???
Jason Lee - You rule.

And there you have it.

Kopp

Website

2006-01-20T14:17:00.000-08:00

THIS is the website I should have created!!!! Full reviews of escort services replete with explicit detail. So close to an issue of Penthouse Forum that you may not need to call the escort after reading the reviews.

Best website idea ever.

Kopp

"Eff you" road list award

2006-01-20T10:23:00.000-08:00

THIRD RUNNER UP - SLOW MERGING ASS
To the guy with the import that can go 0-60 in 4 seconds who's going 15 mph on the onramp for the (insert major toll road here) directly in front of my hyundai, which can only hit 60 mph if I roll up the windows, turn of the AC and pray for a tailwind, causing me to merge at 35mph...

"Eff you." --Show some courtesy man. Not all of us can get up to speed in 50 feet

SECOND RUNNER UP - FULL SERVICE ASS
To the smacked ass at the gas station who stops at the first pump (doesn't pull through to the second) causing me to pass him and the parallel park at a pump to get enough gas to get to class (it happened this morning)...

"This Eff's for you." --You're joking right? Seriously.

RUNNER UP - NEO DOUBLE PARKER ASS
To the jerkoff in any parking lot purposefully taking up two spaces because he doesn't want his car getting scratched or dinged causing me to drive around for half and hour looking for a spot in another timezone...

"Eff you and your effin paint job." --Next one I see is getting keyed.

AND THE WINNER IS...LOST IN A TOLLBOOTH ASS
To the woman at the toll booth who's decided to wait until this moment to find out how to get back to Chicago from Atlantic City and does so by asking the toll collector for a hand-drawn map, a voice recording of directions and a back massage while she waits...

"Eff you too." --In the day of Onstar, mapquest, and the cell phone the last resort should be the toll collector...and at 3am? when I'm trying to get home before I fall asleep at the wheel?

Anderson

Fat Kid Pokemon -- GO

2006-01-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

What's better than Pokemon itself? A chubby little kid singing the Pokemon song into a video camera, putting it on the web and thus creating a lasting record of youthful idiocy.

Also, please note that there's only one thing that could be under that baseball cap - a big, fat mullet.

Kopp

I'm Cukoo for Kopp!

2006-01-13T14:51:00.000-08:00

Are you so cool that just your name alone doesn't cut it? Sloganize your name! Why not? Good answer!

Kopp

Chocolate Never Chewed So Good

2006-01-10T10:04:00.000-08:00

In a Forbes.com feature showing the "top nano products of 2005" one of the features is chocolate chewing gum. Apparently, the fats in chocolate reacted badly with the process of making chewing gum so nobody has ever been able to make a chocogum that wouldn't fall apart. Well now they've done it.

And that is gross.

Chocolate is meant to be eaten, not continuously chewed. Strawberry, fruit punch, grape, watermellon and blue raspberry (from the blue raspberry plant of Eastern Bumkcuf) were mean to be gum, chocolate was meant to be chocolate - served as melty squares, put on smores, made into ice cream, paired with nougat. I never heard of a vanilla gum, and if chocolate gum was such a good idea, you would think somebody would have tried a vanilla at some point. Both would be gross. In any case, I hope nano technology has more to offer us in the future besides chocolate chewing gum.

And now, for your knowledge jolt of the day - "what in the hell is nougat anyway?"

Nougat is a confectionery made with sugar or honey, roasted nuts (almonds, walnuts, pistachios or hazelnuts are common) and sometimes chopped, candied fruit. The consistency of nougat can range from chewy to hard depending on its composition. White nougat is made with beaten egg white and is soft, whereas brown nougat is made with caramelized sugar and has a firmer texture.

Of course, that is not exactly the nougat we get in our delicious Mars bars, but, rather, that is theoretical nougat. Nougat in the abstract. The essensce of nougat, if you will.

Kopp

Insane

2006-01-09T08:05:00.000-08:00

This is a pretty insane video - I'm just waiting for someone to put up their outtakes, I can only imagine there are some pretty gnarly spills this guy took practicing some of this stuff.

Enjoy

Kopp

The Best Ever

2006-01-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

Imagine my surprise when I went to Safeway tonight and found none less than the BEST hot sauce on the market - that's right, Frank's.

In the words of my buddy Dane Cook (though he was talking about Jolly Ranchers) - if you say that Tobasco is better I'll stab you in the jaw.

That's all I got - go enjoy some Frank's now.

Kopp

Rachael Ray

2006-01-07T13:10:00.000-08:00

It is only ever a matter of time before the dirty laundry of anyone famous gets flung out on the collective public lawn for examination. This is pretty much unavoidable - case in point: Lindsay Lohan, case in point: the Olsen twins, case in point: Angelina Jolie, case in point: Martha Stewart, and the list goes on and on and on. Personally, I think that Rachel Ray (of "30 Minute Meals," "$20 a Day," Rachael Ray Magazine, countless cookbooks, etc, etc) has gotten far too rich and far too famous to have avoided this fate this far.

On TV, in her cookbooks, and pretty much any other time that I've seen her she just this jolly happy little chef bouncing around her perfect kitchen making perfect, tasty food and talking about how much she loves cooking. But what goes on behind the scenes? What is Rachael's vice? Is it a little of the drinky drinky? Does she kick her dog? Hang out with the ol' white rabbit (and maybe Kate Moss)? Or maybe she's another wild card doing some insider stock trading... My vote is no to all of the above. I'm actually with the good 'ol Mr. Anderson on this one - I think that when the cameras aren't rolling (at least the Food Network cameras) Ms. Ray is a big, big freaky freak. We're talking whips, toys, multiple partners, the whole nine. Just watch her perfect chef self running around the kitchen and fawning over olive oil and fresh greens and well cooked pasta - you know she gets it on.

But that's just me... well, me and Mr. Anderson. He'll back me up.

Kopp

300 Shots

2006-01-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

So here's a link to G-Unit's response to The Game's "300 Bars & Runnin'." I tried to listen to it with as little preconception as possible, but I have to admit that I've never thought much of 50-Cent. I think he has some catchy tracks, but overall is not that talented. In any case, in my opinion, it's not much of a comeback, it takes all of G-Unit to try to do in 5 minutes what The Game did by himself in 15. As he quips in "300 Bars" - "Gave 'em a hundred bars, they ain't think I could do it / Came with two hundred, nigga this is more than music."

G-Unit couldn't quite get there with their tag team nursery rhymes over a vanilla beat. Catchy nursery rhymes, but nursery all the same. "The Game is a punk I hate him a lot / I'm so hot, you know I've been shot / I'd like to punch him in the face / and we even got Mase." Not quite on the same level.

Kopp

Lonely Island

2006-01-05T18:06:00.000-08:00

From the guys that brought you "Lazy Sunday" before they hit SNL - check out LonelyIsland.com. (be sure to check out the "The 'Bu")

Kopp

Get Your Degree from a Reputable Institution: Florida State

2006-01-05T18:05:00.001-08:00

Random shout-out of the week - Jenn Sterger and her impressive entry in Facebook.com. I'm not quite clear yet as to how her name got out there, but the photos of her and her friends on Facebook are bordering on soft core porn. I don't know much about her besides the few pictures I checked out, but it looks like she has had a few successful visits to McNamara/Troy. Just a hunch.

Kopp

USC: Texas Toast

2006-01-05T18:05:00.000-08:00

I regret to say that I did not watch the fourth quarter of the game last night. I know what you're thinking, "how could someone NOT watch the fourth quarter of the game last night?" Mostly it was because I was burned out from the 5 and 1/2 hour marathon game between Penn State and Florida State the night before in the Orange Bowl - a game that saw 3 overtimes, four missed field goals, a missed extra point, a third quarter that included 8 punts and only 61 offensive yards and a whole lot of other bad football to boot. Sure Penn State won and I was happy about that, but you can't be too happy after sitting through a game like that.

So as for the USC - Texas Rose Bowl, I figured it might be more of the same after watching some pretty poor football (particularly defense) in the first half. I have to say, though, bad football or not, Reggie Bush got the play of the game from me with his jump pass to his surprised teammate while getting tackled on a nice long run. If anything beat that, it was maybe the lateral that Vince Young pulled a few drives later - the only difference was that Bush's goof lost the ball for USC, while Young's led to a touchdown. The real difference in the game seemed to be Vince Young, who had 200 yards rushing and over 200 yards passing on 30 of 40. Well, ok, the difference was Vince Young and two bad defenses. That may be more what it boiled down to, but based on the hype around this game, it is very, very apparent that people are not nearly as interested in "good football" as they are in high-octane, high-scoring offenses.

One other big note of the game is once again the lack of respect for the other black guy - you know it, LenDale White. White rushed for 124 yards on 20 carries with 3 touchdowns. He now has 57 career touchdowns which is a USC record. But who was interviewed after the game? That's right Reggie Bush. So once again, you don't need skill, just sex appeal. I love you other black guy, don't worry about what they say.

With a loss this historic, breaking USC's 34-game winning streak, you can't expect life to go on without any consequences. Here are my predictions for the implications of last night's big loss for USC:

- Pete Carroll will rebuff multiple offers from NFL teams, but will be too distraught to continue coaching at USC and will trade his red turtleneck for a black one and start directing porn. His first feature will be called "USC: University of Sweet-Ass Chicks"

- The other black guy will go into the NFL draft along with Reggie Bush, and will go on to become one of the best straight-up power runners that the NFL has ever seen. After many successful seasons with the Jacksonville Jaguars he will be exposed as a sexual deviant (multiple partners, candlewax, you know the drill) and traded to the Raiders to join Moss and Collins. Meanwhile, Reggie Bush will be a huge NFL flop and will join another former college great, Maurice Clarett, in a purse snatching ring.

- Vince Young will be drafted #3 in the draft, but will get the biggest contract of the draft class. He will use some of his newfound riches to hire a tutor and learn to read.

- University of Southern California will still have some of the hottest women alive.

- Matt Leinart will have a good, but not great, NFL career, but even more notably, he will strike up a close freindship with 50-Cent who he will meet in - surprise - the club. When Leinart destroys his ACL in his 6th NFL season, he and 50, who will have completely sold out by that point, will star in a sitcom "Whitey and da Thug" on Fox.

- ABC will continue to sponsor the big college bowl games, but begin a practice of ritual sacrifices, praying to the gods that they have more 5 1/2 hour games like the PSU/FSU game that allowed them to show enough commercials to pay for the entire next season of college football rights.

Kopp

Hot or Not

2006-01-05T18:04:00.001-08:00

If you're like me and you a) can't help but waste time on meaningless things and b) enjoy judging people, often harshly, then you need to check out Hot or Not. This has actually been out there for a while, but I figured I'd make sure that everyone knows about it. Basically you scroll through pictures of men and women (you can choose either sex or both) and rate them on how good looking (or fugly as the case may be). You get to choose a rating for the person and then you see the average rating that they've recieved from everybody else.

Not surprisingly, my ratings tend to fall considerably lower than the average. But that's just me.

Enjoy.

Kopp

The GOOG

2006-01-05T18:04:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to a lot of financial new programs lately and soaking up as much good knowledge on the market as I can so I can try to beat the S&P in '06. One of the cliched "darlings of Wall Street" right now is Google (ticker: GOOG) and so I have to listen to endless jibber jabber about the company and how great it is, despite the fact that it is trading at a fairly rich valuation (50x forward earnings, or 1.7x forward earnings over long term growth, aka PEG). What I love, though, is to hear non-financial newscasters talk about the stock since they can't seem to grasp the fact that if the company keeps a low number of shares outstanding that the stock price will be optically high (it currently trades at around $440/share). Instead they look at the share price and babble like a idiot (I actually picture them running around the studio in circles like chickens after being de-headed) about "oooh oooh Google, price soo high, this is craaaaazy, a $400 stock? What will we do, what will we do?"

To put it in very simple terms, it's like getting outraged that the crate sized box of Kix (you know, "kid tested, mother approved"?) that you get at Costco is more expensive than a normal sized box you get at the grocery store. With fewer shares of Google outstanding, you own more of the company with every share you purchase, therefore the shares should be more expensive. If Google were to do, say, a 2-for-1 stock split, which is what many companies do when their share price gets optically high, they would trade at around $220/share, while a 4-for-1 split would put them at about $110/share. But of course you own less Google with each share, so net-net you're no better off. It's obvious that Google likes to go a little off-center, especially when it comes to financial matters (they used the famous Dutch-auction IPO) and letting the stock price get optically high like this fits the bill.

Of course Google isn't the only company to do this. There's a guy named Warren Buffet who runs a fairly successful company called Berkshire Hathaway and he has never split his stock. Currently, the class B shares of Berkshire (which have no voting rights) sell at $2,990/share, while the class A shares (with voting rights) sell for a cool $89,990/share. It hasn't worked out so badly for Warren and Berkshire, and, who knows, maybe it won't for Google either. So, if you're in the market right now, or getting into the market, don't get scared off by the $400+ price tag on a Google share, it's only a number (unless of course you plan to invest less than $400 in Google, because then you're stuck - you won't be able to afford a single share); if you're going to get scared, let it be from the big earnings multiple.

In related news, there is a band formerly known as Kumar Pachenko, now known as Sandpaper Valentine, that did a song called Googleburger. I want to get my hands on a copy of Googleburger, so if anyone has info on where to get this cold cut classic, post it up here bitches!

Kopp

300 Bars and Runnin'

2006-01-05T18:03:00.002-08:00

So for those of you that aren't up on the hip-hop news like I am, you probably wouldn't know that The Game no longer affiliates himself with G-Unit. He now considers himself part of G-U-Not. Clever, I like it. Some inside hip-hop politics that I've picked up say that The Game thinks that 50 Cent (aka Fiddy Cent or just 50) sold out and went from being a gangster to being soft, spending his time "in the candy shop" or "in da club." The Game, street soldier to the end, released a 15+ minute track bashing 50 and all of G-Unit called "300 Bars and Runnin'." Unfortunately, you won't find this track on iTunes, Yahoo! or in the CD stores, BUT I was able to find it here. Now you're in the hip-hop know.

And as some bonus knowledge: when you want to get your hip-hop groove on you can buy yourself some grillz like Nelly, Paul Wall or David Banner (three fine gentlemen). Grillz, in case you didn't know, are removeable teeth plates that give you the appearance of having iced out teeth. Is there a better way to show the way that you play the game???

Kopp

Chronic - WHAT - cles of Narnia

2006-01-05T18:03:00.001-08:00

If you haven't seen this awesome video from those crazy SNLers ("Lazy Sunday"), check it out, it's really funny... speaking of which... I should change my pants.

You can also download the MP3 of the song here.

Kopp

Kobe

2006-01-05T18:03:00.000-08:00

For all I care, Kobe could score 100 points in a game. In fact, hopefully he will because the Lakers need it. They're doing OK as a basketball team, but it's Kobe that keeps them afloat as an attraction in LA. Ever since the loss of Shaq and "real basketball" in LA, citizens of the city of angels have had little more than the antics and selfishness of Kobe -- probably much more exciting to most LA citizens than real basketball.

Allen Iverson was the last NBA player to score 60 points in a game, and that was last year. I'm sure Allen did it in his ghetto fabulous style, and I prefer that over Kobe's whiney "I'm angry at the media and I'm angry that we lost last night so I'm going to play more selfish than usual" style. Good for Kobe, though, because he beat out the previous points record at the Staples Center which was set by Shaq. Maybe he can finally get out of Shaq's shadow. Maybe when he becomes a basketball player that people want to have on their team.

Kopp

Light, Sweet Crude

2006-01-05T18:02:00.001-08:00

"Crude-oil prices rose Wednesday morning after the U.S. government's weekly petroleum report showed a decline in domestic inventories of distillate fuel, which include heating oil and diesel.

But the report also showed a surprising build in crude-oil supplies and that could offset any gains."

This was big news for December 20th. That and the continuing transit strike in NY. And the trial of that drunk old man Saddam Hussein. And Kobe scoring 62 points in three quarters and Johnny Damon actually being traded to the Yankees. Oh, and in finance GM stock continuing to fall like a rock.

I'm most concerned about the light, sweet crude though. I think because it sounds kind of delicious.

Light, sweet crude.

Kind of sexy too.

Light, sweet and crude.

I think someone needs to productize this light, sweet crude, I can envision a big seller. Anything that combines delicious and sexy in such a way could practically sell itself. I can see it now -- MTV, Shakira -- dancing around in her sexy way all covered in light, sweet crude and just loving it. Then maybe Enrique Inglesias comes out with one of those red containers filled with light, sweet crude and starts dancing with Shakira and pouring it all over himself. Maybe he could start singing -- something like "luz, petroleo bruto dulce / tan sexy, tan sexy / amo el gusto y el aroma." I'm sure he can make that sound all sinful and sexy. Then maybe they find themselves at a beach at sunset, with a tanker off in the distance that has just struck a reef. The two of them dash (sexy dash, not hurried dash) down to the shoreline and start splashing around in all the delicious, sexy light, sweet crude that is gushing out from the crashed tanker. It would all be very Calvin Klein-ish. Very tasteful.

After seeing that, what 16 year old, male or female, could help but run out and buy some light, sweet crude for themselves?

I think I've found the business idea I've been searching for.

Kopp

Beverly Hills

2006-01-05T18:02:00.000-08:00

From CNN:

"Weezer lead singer Rivers Cuomo is continuing his celibacy past his self-declared deadline. The 35-year-old frontman earlier vowed to remain celibate for two years. Although that deadline expired six months ago, Cuomo still doesn't expect to jump back in the sack anytime soon."

Way to take advantage of being a rock star. That's like being an investment banker and not caring about the money. I know first hand how well that works out. All about the music my ass. He continues:

"Abstinence doesn't require as much self-discipline anymore," he says. "All you need is a few good magazines and a hatred of all things that make life worth living."

My thirst for the rock star way of life is gone forever now. I'm back to working toward the Samuri Bushido ideal.

And for your daily history lesson:

Bushido, literally translated "Way of the Warrior," developed in Japan between the Heian and Tokugawa Ages (9th-12th century). It was a code and way of life for Samurai, a class of warriors similar to the medieval knights of Europe. It was influenced by Zen and Confucianism, two different schools of thought of those periods. Bushido is not unlike the chivalry and codes of the European knights. "It puts emphasis on loyalty, self sacrifice, justice, sense of shame, refined manners, purity, modesty, frugality, martial spirit, honor and affection"

I'm especially good at the killing part.

Kopp

Proper Propaganda

2006-01-05T18:00:00.000-08:00

So I listened to the President's address this morning, and my major reaction was this - is it just that I've never really followed politics before, or are speeches from the President always this much propoganda? I was hoping to be enlightened on the subject of our country, maybe hear some new info on the infamous "war on terror," you know, that kind of thing. Instead I got hot air. Seriously, nothing. The only thing I was able to grab from the whole speech is that GW has an increasing complex around everyone hating him; despite the fact that he believes that he has all the right answers, he seems to feel that everyone out there is against him. He should probably see someone about that, I'm sure the progression of such a paranoid complex is not pretty.

But that's just my two cents.

So for those of you who didn't listen to the address, here are the highlights: we're winning in Iraq, the Iraqis are a free people now, we need to keep up support for the war because winning is a must, terrorists are out there, they're everywhere, they want to kill us all, our country is in great shape, the economy is in excellent shape. But if you didn't know any of that you've probably had your head up your ass for the last five years. And if you've had your head up your ass for the last five years you must be very flexible.

Kopp

Welcome

2006-01-05T17:58:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the new Subgenus... just as big, just as bad... but now it's ours. All ours!

Just don't tell Chuck Norris where we moved to. I'm not saying we moved because of Chuck... just don't tell him all the same.

Kopp