A Few Fun Links

Please tell me that by now you've heard the infamous audio of Christian Bale losing his shit on the set of the new Terminator move. What? No? Ok, well here it is. But I'll give you one better, nay! two better! Here's a clip from Conan with James Lipton reenacting the whole scene. You heard me right, James Motherflippin Lipton. And if that doesn't give you your fill of Balemania, check out this response from Warner Brother's PR department.

And now for something completely different... Think the recession is no fun? Try setting it to music. Ah yes, the sweet sounds of the economy going down the tubes!

A Rather Odd Movie Review

So I received this letter from The New York Times the other day:

Dear Mr. Kopp,

We were forwarded a copy of your 2007 movie "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07" and have attached our review, which was recently published in our newspaper. While we can not change the opinion of our reviewers, we do encourage you to contact us with any factual inaccuracies.

Regards,

XXXXXXXX
Editor, Arts & Leisure

This was a surprising letter since I believed that my wife and I were the only ones that had a copy of our wedding video. What was even more surprising, however, was the review that was attached:


'Til a Dull Movie Do You Part

There is nothing inherently wrong with choosing a wedding as a setting for a movie. Love, deception, trust, betrayal -- these are all themes that can play out as a couple walks down the aisle under the gaze of friends and family. What can't work in this particular setting, or any other setting for that matter, is a plotless, conflict free, hour of drivel. Welcome to "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07."

We are first introduced to the main characters as they meet at the wedding alter in a beautifully apportioned outdoor wedding. Pachelbel's Canon in D slowly fades out and a handsomely dressed wedding party looks on as the female minister begins the ceremony. Viewers are then forced to sit through the entire wedding ceremony in real time, an intractably dull half-hour that brings little to the table in terms of revealing character motivations or underlying conflict.

Most viewers will undoubtedly be ready to cheer -- if they haven't already walked out of the theatre -- as rings are finally exchanged and the saccharinely happy couple kisses. A yet optimistic viewer might expect that at this point we would be treated to some sort of character development, tension building, or -- for God's sake! -- some dialogue. That optimistic movie goer (not to mention yours truly) would be sadly mistaken though.

What follows the ceremony is an extended montage that reveals nothing about either of the main characters or a single one of the wedding attendees. Instead, it appears to have been used almost solely to add time to the production and hopefully hoodwink viewers and distract them from the fact that the movie is completely void of any meaningful plot. As the mediocre music drones on, the camera jumps from one location to the next observing small groups of the wedding guests enjoy cocktails -- all in excruciating real time.

Any human being with an IQ over 10 will have almost certainly left the theatre and demanded their money back by the time the post-ceremony montage has finished. I must have somehow pissed off my editor though, and quite literally had to be restrained as I tried desperately to avoid wasting any more of my life watching this rubbish. Faced with a choice of losing my job or finishing the movie, I persevered. I was rewarded with a poorly rehearsed cake cutting scene along with multiple slow dancing scenes that would have put a meth addict to sleep.

What could have been bright spot among this hopeless mess were the speeches given by the best man, maid of honor, and the father of the bride. The speeches were punchy and humorous, yet touching at the same time. However, without any previous development of any of the characters involved, it was impossible as a viewer to take much of anything from the speeches other than the reactions of the actors. So what could have been a small oasis in this hopelessly arid crapfest of a movie fell flat and somehow left me even more despondent.

I was hopeful that, as the wild and very apparently drunk group of wedding attendees rushed to the floor at the conclusion of the father-daughter dance, we would finally get some sort of tension or climax. I was terribly wrong. As what appeared to be the most interesting part of the night began to unfold, the movie abruptly ended.

To say that this was a poorly written movie would be to assume that there was a script in the first place. Clearly words had been put on paper -- the aforementioned speeches as well as the ceremony were obviously pre-planned -- but the writer seems to have no sense of how to set up a story, create conflict, or generally keep his viewer from wanting to bite through the restraints keeping him in his chair, throw the movie projector at his boss, and run out into oncoming traffic.

Even as an attempt at avant-garde filmmaking, this falls light years short. It is all too clear that everyone -- the main characters, the wedding party, the attendees -- are all happy at the beginning of the film, and are all just as happy (if not also much drunker) by the end of the film. It truly is traveling without moving, and in a movie that is about as interesting as casting Jean Claude Van Damme as an intellectual.

For those in the mood to see a God awful movie, my suggestion would be to head to Blockbuster and pick up a copy of "Navy Seals." If someone suggests "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07" to you, my suggestion would be to run away as fast as you can and never speak to that person again.

This I Believe

Staying on the topic of "kids say the darnedest things," I heard a great installment of "This I Believe" on NPR the other day from 7-year-old named Tarak McLain. Now I was expecting something like "I believe that Hannah Montana is awesome" (which, by the way, she is), but instead I got these 30 gems:

I believe life is good.
I believe God is in everything.
I believe we’re all equal.
I believe we can help people.
I believe everyone is weird in their own way.
I believe hate is a cause for love.
I believe that when I meditate I feel peaceful.
I believe we should be generous.
I believe brothers and sisters should be kind to each other.
I believe kids should respect their parents.
I believe I should not whine.
I believe people should wake up early.
I believe people should go outside more.
I believe in nature.
I believe people should use less trees.
I believe we should help the Arctic and rainforest animals.
I believe people shouldn’t throw litter on the ground.
I believe people should not smoke.
I believe God is in good and bad.
I believe in magic.
I believe people should not give up.
I believe love is everywhere.
I believe that God helps us to have a good time.
I believe we live best in a community.
I believe we can protect people in danger.
I believe we should help the poor.
I believe its OK to die but not to kill.
I believe war should not have started.
I believe war should stop.
I believe we can make peace.

Now obviously young Tarak is a happy, energetic youth who's excited and optimistic about the future and that colors a lot of what he has put forward here. Being a bit older, and far more cynical and jaded, I thought I'd share my version of 30 things I believe:

I believe religion is the opiate of the masses
I believe religion is losing out to TV
I believe my dog is cooler than your dog
I believe under ripe bananas are disgusting
I believe Jennifer Aniston is way overrated
I believe coffee tastes best all the time
I believe moldy bread is ok as long as you cut off the moldy parts (the large ones at least)
I believe a cheeseburger with ketchup is the great American meal
I believe college is overpriced
I believe breast implants are among the worst inventions ever
I believe teachers should be paid like professional athletes
I believe bad teachers need to be fired... now
I believe doing dishes is the doorway to enlightenment
I believe marijuana should be legal
I believe Cheesecake Factory gives you way too much food
I believe Guns 'n Roses is nothing without Slash
I believe breakfast is the best meal of the day
I believe not all my Facebook "friends" are really friends
I believe babies are not all they're cracked up to be
I believe Intel makes better processors
I believe TBS is very funny
I believe Ethiopian coffees are the best combination of quality and price
I believe queue theory should be taught in high school
I believe Blu-ray is well worth the upgrade
I believe churches should pay property taxes
I believe Mario Brothers is head and shoulders above Sonic the Hedgehog
I believe skinny jeans on men are ridiculous
I believe "I'm With Busey" was cancelled by mistake
I believe cigarettes are cool
I believe there is life on other planets