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Dear Mr. Kopp,
We were forwarded a copy of your 2007 movie "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07" and have attached our review, which was recently published in our newspaper. While we can not change the opinion of our reviewers, we do encourage you to contact us with any factual inaccuracies.
Regards,
XXXXXXXX
Editor, Arts & Leisure
This was a surprising letter since I believed that my wife and I were the only ones that had a copy of our wedding video. What was even more surprising, however, was the review that was attached:
'Til a Dull Movie Do You Part
There is nothing inherently wrong with choosing a wedding as a setting for a movie. Love, deception, trust, betrayal -- these are all themes that can play out as a couple walks down the aisle under the gaze of friends and family. What can't work in this particular setting, or any other setting for that matter, is a plotless, conflict free, hour of drivel. Welcome to "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07."
We are first introduced to the main characters as they meet at the wedding alter in a beautifully apportioned outdoor wedding. Pachelbel's Canon in D slowly fades out and a handsomely dressed wedding party looks on as the female minister begins the ceremony. Viewers are then forced to sit through the entire wedding ceremony in real time, an intractably dull half-hour that brings little to the table in terms of revealing character motivations or underlying conflict.
Most viewers will undoubtedly be ready to cheer -- if they haven't already walked out of the theatre -- as rings are finally exchanged and the saccharinely happy couple kisses. A yet optimistic viewer might expect that at this point we would be treated to some sort of character development, tension building, or -- for God's sake! -- some dialogue. That optimistic movie goer (not to mention yours truly) would be sadly mistaken though.
What follows the ceremony is an extended montage that reveals nothing about either of the main characters or a single one of the wedding attendees. Instead, it appears to have been used almost solely to add time to the production and hopefully hoodwink viewers and distract them from the fact that the movie is completely void of any meaningful plot. As the mediocre music drones on, the camera jumps from one location to the next observing small groups of the wedding guests enjoy cocktails -- all in excruciating real time.
Any human being with an IQ over 10 will have almost certainly left the theatre and demanded their money back by the time the post-ceremony montage has finished. I must have somehow pissed off my editor though, and quite literally had to be restrained as I tried desperately to avoid wasting any more of my life watching this rubbish. Faced with a choice of losing my job or finishing the movie, I persevered. I was rewarded with a poorly rehearsed cake cutting scene along with multiple slow dancing scenes that would have put a meth addict to sleep.
What could have been bright spot among this hopeless mess were the speeches given by the best man, maid of honor, and the father of the bride. The speeches were punchy and humorous, yet touching at the same time. However, without any previous development of any of the characters involved, it was impossible as a viewer to take much of anything from the speeches other than the reactions of the actors. So what could have been a small oasis in this hopelessly arid crapfest of a movie fell flat and somehow left me even more despondent.
I was hopeful that, as the wild and very apparently drunk group of wedding attendees rushed to the floor at the conclusion of the father-daughter dance, we would finally get some sort of tension or climax. I was terribly wrong. As what appeared to be the most interesting part of the night began to unfold, the movie abruptly ended.
To say that this was a poorly written movie would be to assume that there was a script in the first place. Clearly words had been put on paper -- the aforementioned speeches as well as the ceremony were obviously pre-planned -- but the writer seems to have no sense of how to set up a story, create conflict, or generally keep his viewer from wanting to bite through the restraints keeping him in his chair, throw the movie projector at his boss, and run out into oncoming traffic.
Even as an attempt at avant-garde filmmaking, this falls light years short. It is all too clear that everyone -- the main characters, the wedding party, the attendees -- are all happy at the beginning of the film, and are all just as happy (if not also much drunker) by the end of the film. It truly is traveling without moving, and in a movie that is about as interesting as casting Jean Claude Van Damme as an intellectual.
For those in the mood to see a God awful movie, my suggestion would be to head to Blockbuster and pick up a copy of "Navy Seals." If someone suggests "Matt & Jackie: 7/7/07" to you, my suggestion would be to run away as fast as you can and never speak to that person again.
