Wake Up to Maria

Ever wish you could wake up to the sound of Maria Sharapova's voice? Well here's your chance. Check out the Nike website. Click on the shoe to enter the site and click on the "get an athlete wake-up call." Choose from the athletes, set your time and - voila! - you'll get to hear the sweet sweet voice of Maria Sharapova first thing AM.

Kopp

CNN What Have You Become???

From CNN:

Silverman, the girlfriend of talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel, recently starred in the feature-length film version of her stage show, "Jesus Is Magic," and appeared in the documentary feature "The Aristocrats." She is filming "School for Scoundrels" with Billy Bob Thornton. She also played Kramer's girlfriend with the "jimmy leg" in an episode of "Seinfeld."

-----
Are you kidding me? "jimmy leg?" Who do they have writing for CNN these days - Uncle Leo??

Kopp

What the Hell is MYOFUB???

For anyone new to Subgenus, you may be wondering - "what in the hell is MYOFUB? Some sort of cult?"

I'm glad you asked.

MYOFUB is the official Subgenus slogan for the presidency of the United States for 2008. MYOFUB stands for "Mind Your Own Fucking Business," and that's the best policy that we believe is available for running the U.S. government.

Maybe we should take care of problems at home before blowing up other countries... ya think? Maybe the government should clean up their own heaping piles of debt before tightening the noose around American businesses... ya think? Maybe our Presidents should take a look into their own personal lives and pasts before telling others how they should lead their lives behind closed doors... ya think? So when 2008 rolls around, vote Subgenus and get the government to mind its own fucking business.

MYOFUB '08!

Grand Theft... Porno?

"The Los Angeles city attorney on Thursday sued the makers of 'Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas,' saying that the companies illegally hid porn in their popular video game.

"City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo, who is running for California's Attorney General post in this year's primary, said that the game's developer, Rockstar Games, and its parent company, Take-Two Entertainment, didn't disclose the pornographic content in the game when it went before the video game industry rating board. The board initially awarded Grand Theft Auto a 'Mature 17+' (M) rating; if it had known of the hidden content, it would have, Delgadillo alleged, given it the much more restrictive 'Adults Only 18+' (AO) rating..."

This is really where I start to draw the line. So shoot me if I sound like a hippie, but if I get this right, in the "Grand Theft Auto" series auto theft is ok, carrying firearms is ok, assault and murder are ok, but throw in a little boob and all the sudden it's worth of being sued? Come on now people, really, if there's anything the United States needs it's a little more boob and a little less guns.

Maybe that's just the acid speaking...

Kopp

MYOFUB '08 - more boob, less guns!

Michelle Branch

Ok, it's time for me to step into the Subgenus confessional booth. Five minutes ago, I logged onto Amazon.com and purchased not just one, but both of the Michelle Branch CDs. That's right - me - Michelle Branch - two CDs. And it's Ok. And I extend this to all the dudes out there who have been as of yet able to bring themselves to buy a Michelle Branch CD. Don't worry, I know it's pop and I know it's a chick with a guitar. But it just feels so right...

Anyway, I extend this as the day when it is now Ok for guys to purchase Michelle Branch's music. Go men! Run free and enjoy!

If you're into impulse purchases, well, here you go:


Just so you know, we get Mafia style kickbacks when you make a purchase through those links. But nobody ever got hurt from some kickbacks right?

Kopp

And then the Aliens Came Down...

This is the South Carolina governor on a TV interview:

----------------------------

Newswatch * WIS * TV * January 29, 2006
Host: David Stanton
Guest: Gov. Mark Sanford

DS: What do you think about the idea of teaching alternatives to Darwin's Theory of Evolution in public schools for instance Intelligent Design?

Gov. Sanford: I have no problem with it.

DS: Do you think it should be done that way? Rather than just teaching Evolution?

Gov. Sanford: Well I think that it's just, and science is more and more documenting this, is that there are real "chinks" in the armor of evolution being the only way we came about. The idea of there being a, you know, a little mud hole and two mosquitoes get together and the next thing you know you have a human being is completely at odds with, you know, one of the laws of thermodynamics which is the law of, of ... in essence, destruction.

Whether you think about your bedroom and how messy it gets over time or you think about the decay in the building itself over time. Things don't naturally order themselves towards progression. Uuummm.. in the natural order of things. So, it's in fact, it's against fairly basic laws of physics and so I would not have a problem in teaching both. Uh, you saying this is one theory and this is another theory.

----------------------------

So classic... so, so classic... Amazing how one person could talk that much without putting together a single coherent thought and not be in a padded room.

Kopp

Fat, Gay People Are Hating On Simon Cowell...

...and they should be...NOT! That's right, I said "not" and I said it in all caps with an exclamation point at the end.

So why are they mad? Because he insults them.

"But I thought he insults everyone, Ryan?"

Me to my dear friends, me too.

The truth of the matter is that whether you're white, black, fat, skinny, short, tall, gay, straight, Catholic, Pagan, ugly, beautiful, smart, stupid, cool or nerdy, Simon is going to rip you to shreds if you dare come on his show without any talent. Ok, so maybe he toes the line a bit at times but that's what makes him so great.

This world...strike that-this country is full of idiots who grew up singing because they love singing and were never able to notice that they have no real talent for the craft. I personally blame the friends and family for these poor, misdirected souls for not sitting them down and explaining to them very carefully that they don't have talent.

That aside, if you put yourself out there on American Idol, you have to understand that if you're not a great singer, you won't make the cut and if you're not any good, you're going to catch verbal sodomy from the cold-cocking Brit that I have come to love an appreciate.

Simon is getting ratings. You win his praise if you're good and you earn his jeers if you suck. Either way it's good television. Why don't people understand this?

Now Gay and Fat rights groups are pissed off because if a fat person comes on stage Simon calls them fat. When a homosexual male comes in and looks and sounds like a girl, he makes a comment about that. It has nothing to do with their sexual orientation, just their look. He does it with people dressed in goofy costumes and people who tan too much. Simon is not going around the streets pointing and laughing at these people. He sits at his table and waits for the idiots to come running. It's part of the show and everyone should know that by now. Don't get bent out of shape and certainly (to the activist groups out there) don't defend people who should know what their getting into. By your rationale, anyone without singing talent is able to raise a stink. "Simon insulted my singing talent." Of course he did, you have no talent. It's the same as, "Simon insulted my hair and my high voice." Of course he did, you look like a friggin' goofball and no one watching at home can figure out how the hell you got this far in your life without someone telling you how goofy you look and sound. It's the same exact thing.

As I said before I blame the family and friends of these people for the issue. If someone would have spared them the embarrassment of going on national tv and making an ass out of themselves by saying, "You know, I don't think that's such a good idea. I like how you sing but you don't have the voice they want for the show." As for the physical appearence, "Honey, the entertainment industry has very little to do with talent. It's about a look and a whole lot of marketing. If you must go on the show, please dress like a normal human being for one day. If you win, they'll strip away your individuality anyway so you might as well get the ball rolling." None of those were nearly as insulting as: "That was perhaps the worst audition we've ever had. You should quit singing immediately." or "You look like the Incredible Hulk's wife." (that last one was an actuall quote from this season)

Friends and family out there. Do your job. Be honest. In my opinion, if you let a bad singer with a bad look try out for the show and they get verbally destroyed because you didn't have the stones to tell them they're not good, you're worse than Simon and you are certainly no friend. I think the rights groups should start targeting these people instead of Simon. It's more their fault anyway.

Basically, what I want is for everyone to stay out of Simon's way. He's doing a job and he's providing me with a lot of entertainment. If you want to get angry at a show, try the biggest loser. They're exploiting fat people and turning it into a horrible human interest piece that isn't even interesting. Just because they're cheering them on doesn't make it noble. Not to mention the fact that they are basically saying that if you stay fat, you don't win. Bounce that one around your brain for a while. Or don't. Either way, leave the mad Englishman out of it.

Anderson
MYOFuB '08 - If you suck, we'll let you know.

Sex and the Sweet Art of Making Money on the Internet (aka: The Real Origins of the Internet)

Making money on the internet is easy. Get a camera, find a few slutty female friends willing to take off their clothes for you, or, better yet, allow you to take pictures of them having sex. Then, take the pictures and post them on the internet. To make some serious money you can a) put the pictures up for free and put advertising up on your website or b) charge people a monthly subscription fee to see your buxom friends bare all.

Don't have friends willing to get naked? Well, the next best thing is to somehow attract people to your website and redirect them to a haven of naked glory. This guy has the right idea. How clever to hide porno links in text for computer parts. Attracting nerds and porno lovers all at the same time and just watch the green roll in.

Sex sells. What people generally mean when they say that is that you can sell just about anything when you're able to psychologically link that item with sex or the idea of sex. Want to sell a watch? Make it look very sexually desireable to the opposite sex. Hot dogs? Make eating a hot dog look like a sexy endeavor. Maybe the hot dog idea is all too easy.

So if sex can help you sell just about anything, then what's going to sell better than sex itself? I could just throw a few targeted keywords up here like "hot steamy blowjob" or "big naturals" and see how many poor dupes end up at this site because they were trolling the internet for "free porn" or "free naked celeb pics." Ha, I'm very tickled at myself.

You see, there are a great many ideas about what it is that started the internet (Al Gore for instance), but the real reason is sex and easy access to sexually explicit material. How much traffic on the internet is porn and porn related? It's really hard to guage given a lot of untrackable traffic, but some put the percentage as high as 80%.

Think of what porn entails, high quality (read: large files) images, full-length movies, live video chat sessions and who knows how much more. Now, think about all the technology needed to get those things to work: you need high speed and high bandwidth networks to carry the pictures and videos, appropriate video technology to allow for fast downloads and high resolution, video cameras and VoIP to handle live video chats, etc, etc, etc.

Face it, sex is driving the further development of the internet and internet related technology.

And you know what I say? GO SEX. More power to it. So go out, find those willing and able sexual deviants and put their pictures up on the internet. Make yourself some money and retire at an early age. Just remember to 1) give your "models" some of your fat earnings and 2) remember who gave you this great idea when the money is rolling in.

Subgenus OUT

Kopp

Word

My Talking Chimp

If you ever wished that you could get a chimp in a business suit to say whatever you wanted in a British accent, well, Click here.

You're welcome.

Kopp

That's Sexual Harrassement and I Don't Have to Take it

The best sexual harrassment training video ever.

This harrassment training video isn't half bad either, plus it's got Tom Brady.

Kopp

Dance Honkey! Dance!

A real life Napolean Dynamite performance. You really don't want to miss this one:

Dancing Trombone Guy

Kopp

Monkeying Around

What's not to love about a chimp in a business suit?

Kopp

I Thought Every Day was the Worst Day Ever

Apparently, we've gotten over the hump. January 24th was the worst day ever, and with that behind us, we're on easy street. Or so says Dr. Cliff Arnalls of Cardiff University. Dr. Arnalls actually came up with an equation to measure depression in the post holiday season. For your reference, here is the equation:

1/8W + 3/8(D - d)TQ + MN

where:
W = weather
D = debt
d = money due on January's payday
T = time since Christmas
Q = time since failure to quit a bad habit
M = general motivational levels
N = the need to take action and do something about it

Despite the fact that I don't know how to multiply 1/8 by "sunny and a bit chilly," I think this is pretty clever. I did the equation for myself and came up with "1/8(overcast) + 6.2" which, if I'm not mistaken, leads me to believe that I have another week or so before I reach my worst day ever.

But screw January 24th anyway.

For those of you still mired in post-holiday depression:
For the guys
For the ladies

Kopp

Call to Courtesy

What the hell happened to courtesy?

What happened to holding the door, or giving a quick "thank you" for having a door held for you. Excusing yourself for interrupting a conversation or bumping into someone.

And what the hell happened to me that my mood for the proceeding minutes hinges on whether or not courtesy is shown at a given circumstance? Seriously, if I hold a door open for someone and it requires me to stand there for more than three seconds waiting for someone to hurry up, why is it that if they, in fact, hurry up and if they, in fact, thank me for holding the door, I am in a great mood for the next few minutes but if they drag their ass and don't thank me, I'm pissed off for those few minutes? Shouldn't I be above this by now?

Probably. But the fact of the matter is most Americans are not. We demand courtesy but rarely express it. It's part of that collection of double-standards that we live by in this great country that is really starting to burn me up. If you are made happy by someone who thanks you wouldn't you expect that most other people feel the same way to some degree? Wouldn't you want to be a part of their good mood? Or at least, wouldn't you want to avoid being part of their bad mood?

I am now posting a call to courtesy. Everyone, when someone does a small favor for you, thank them. Especially if you didn't ask. It brightens their day. In turn, their good mood might help them show courtesy or do someone else a good deed, thus brightening the days of more people. It's a win-win situation and the only cost? A few seconds of waiting or a brief thank you.

In this world that is simultaneously globalizing world culture and segregating the individual from society, we could all benefit from a little social interaction that doesn't revolve around a complaint or an attempt at getting laid. To say "Stop the maddness" or "Can't we all just get along" would be quoting things that hurt my brain so let's go with "Don't forget your please's and thank you's."

Anderson

The Return of the Shit List

For those of you new to Subgenus, the "Shit List" is my rundown of MSNBC's picks of the hot celebs for the week and my takes as to who should be up there instead.

1) Rachel McAdams - despite the fact that she's Canadian, I'm down with McAdams. Besides being a pretty decent actress, she is hot, hot, hot. As for her movie background, not only was she in "Hot Chick" with Rob Schneider, but she also starred as a deliciously evil high school bitch in "Mean Girls."

2) Jason Lee - for once the list is actually recognizing people worth being recognized. While Lee will have a really tough time outdoing his awesome roles in the Kevin Smith films, "My Name is Earl" isn't a move in the wrong direction. Unfortunately for Lee, the scoop is that he's sidelined on acting right now with a case of the chicken pox. Mr. Lee, where have you been hanging out?

3) Howard Stern - I can see where this is coming from, but he's just gotten way too much coverage lately. I'm sure the move to Sirius was great, la dee da, let's get on with our lives. As a sidenote, I hear Sterny sold most of the Sirius stock that he got as part of his joining to company and that certainly was no small chunk of change.

4) Michelle Williams - At least there were two hot people in "the gay cowboy flick" - Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. Take her out back and shoot her with the rest of the former "Dawson's" cast. Yes, that includes you Katie Holmes. And why don't we just put Tom back there with them.

5) Steve Carell - I don't know what to say. Great pick. Just a great pick.


With really just two slots to fill here - for Stern and Williams - I'll throw out my two picks.

Steve Jobs - the man that brought us not only the iPod and the Apple Computer, but also the loveable animation from Pixar. But his many business achievements are not why I chose Stevey for the list. Rather, I put him up here simply because I need to be on his good side, as I fear him and his army of Mac zombies. Ever been to a Mac conference? Ever talked to the owner of a Mac? Yeah, you know what I mean. Talk about nerds with a chip on their shoulder. I feel like one word from Jobs and arctic-white clad nerds everywhere will be strapping iBombs to their chests and blowing themselves up in warehouses for Dell and Microsoft.


Adriana Lima - sure, easy call. But, the reason that I put here here is this: born in June of 1981, she is just slightly younger than I am. And this is likely the last time I'll be able to say that since she is now one of the older Victoria Secret models. Another year or two and the models in that catalogue will officially be much younger than I and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

-Kopp

Jon Bon

From the Associated Press:
"Members of the band Bon Jovi escaped unharmed after their private plane skidded off a runway in Canada early Saturday.

It happened as their private Boeing 707 landed in Hamilton, Ontario, after a concert last night in Buffalo."

All I can say is thank God. I don't know what New Jersey would be without Jon Bon. Sure, we've got Aaron Burr, David Copperfield, Alan Ginsberg, Jerry Lewis, Jason Alexander, Norman Mailer, Norman Schwartzkopf, Frank "Frankie Blue Eyes" Sinatra and Thomas Edison, but what would the Garden State be without "Blaze of Glory," "Shot Through the Heart," "Livin' on a Prayer," "Wanted Dead or Alive" and "Bad Medicine???" That's not a world I want to live in.

I know a lot of people won't agree with me here, but personally, I wish the plane had crashed and burned and that Bruce Springsteen was on it. God I hate Bruce.

Kopp

Ethics, Etiquette and Protocol: The Loser's Guide to Life - Vol. 1: Myspace

The ridiculously popular myspace has become the quintessential internet community. For no money and very little time, one is afforded a small amount of web space with which to make a small self-tribute page used (as far as I can tell) for one or more of the following:

1. Making friends
2. Making love connections
3. Providing desperate men with the means to jerk off to your image
4. Showing people how much you like beer
5. Regaining contact with estranged friends

The truth is, this web community is huge. You can post pictures; describe your personality; you can even choose one of a bazillion songs to play when people access your page. It's cool. I'm on it. I like it. Check me out if you want.

However, with this new territory of global digital relationships comes a great responsibility that I know a lot of you are not following. For this, I present to you my first installment of a series I'm calling Ethics, Etiquette and Protocol: The loser's guide to life. This volume, as you probably have already guessed, is going to tackle the wonderful world of myspace.

When building or maintaining a myspace site it is first important to remember the following mantra:

-Simplicity rules the web

Remember this for all things. I realize that once you get involved with MySpace to the unhealthy levels that most of us have, you begin to realize, at least unconsciously, that your page is your avatar (the digital representation of yourself) and like most Americans concerned deeply with self-image, you want to make "yourself" as attractive as possible. Beware. You can cause yourself a lot of trouble by overdoing it or by making a few poor decisions. We'll deal with the major properties of your myspace page and hopefully get you well on your way to increased security with your imaginary self and a greater sense of imaginary self-worth as you increase the number of imaginary friends you have. (Note: I say imaginary not to mean that this isn't a viable community or to denigrate the community or your participation in it. I merely mean that if you have more meaningful relationships on myspace than you have in real life, then you are a loser.)


The Name

Use your real name, please! If you want to use a nickname that is ACTUALLY a nickname go for it. If your name is John, don’t write Pimp Daddy. We’ll know you’re not a pimp. We’ll know that if you are actually a daddy, your kid is probably a loser without child support. What we won’t know is your name.

The Picture

This is the first (and in many cases, the only) thing that people look at so it is important to choose your photo wisely. This is essentially the face of your avatar (remember what avatar means? See above if you don't) and will tell people not only what you look like, but what kind of person you are. For instance, if your picture is a full-body shot of yourself with your hat on backwards and no sleeves on your shirt (if you're wearing a shirt) and you’re flexing your biceps while raising an eyebrow (ala The Rock) people will know you're a douche. Please, for the sake of your digital reputations, follow these rules when considering a photo:

• Cover yourself - I know, I know. You want people to see how great your body is but for the guys, you just look like an effin' joke. Trust me. I've sat around while girls sifted through your profiles and laughed at you. As for the women. It's a little different. Guys definitely don't mind the skin but bear in mind what kind of guys you're going to have as friends if you have your cans hanging out...basically the eyebrow guys from the above paragraph. This will ensure that everywhere that a comment is possible will be filled with eyebrow douche-nozzle guy saying things like "When can I get some of that!" or "Nice bod, I can tell you have a lot of personality." It's just not worth it.
• NO ALCOHOL!!! - I can't stress this enough. You want a quick way to look like an asshole on MySpace? Take a picture of yourself doing a kegstand and put it up there. Now there are some tasteful pictures that can pass. If it's a really nice photo but you're holding a beer, I can see how this could go against my rule. But everyone knows someone with a digital camera. It can be avoided. Take a new picture. The thing you have to remember is that there are two types of people in the world: those that drink and those that don't. Those who drink don't give a shit that you drink. It's nothing new to them. Keg stands are nothing new. Neither are beer funnels, nor lumberjacking (double-fisting) and your forty certainly isn't impressing anyone. Those that don't drink really don't give a shit that you drink. In fact, it just looks juvenile.
• Careful with group photos - I understand that you want to include all your girls or your boys but it's friggin' confusing to everyone else. As far as I know, "Joe momma" is a frat boy with five heads...all of which can kiss my ass.
• Don't use celebrity photos – I know it’s funny to have Mark-Paul Gossalaar as your photo but since no one can see your full name, your face is basically all anyone has to know that you are the person they’re looking for. Keep it legitimate no matter how unsightly you may be.

The Background

There’s not much to say about this except to remember the mantra. Solid colors are the way to go. White is always a good color but if you must change it (like I did) make sure that you change the whole color scheme so that it doesn’t clash and you can read the text. A black background always sucks and if you know someone who has a floating image as their background, smack them on the wrists, point your finger at them and say “NO!” Not only is it impossible to read a profile with the image but for those who have computers teeming with illegally downloaded songs and a slightly obsolete processor, they’ll get bored loading your page and move on to the next half-naked person.

The Song

There are no real big no-no’s here. This is a neat little way myspace has created to show your individuality. I recommend you avoid anything by Creed or Nickelback because they suck Bigfoot’s dick but if you must, you must. Just make sure that the song is easily ignored. If your music is irritating in any way people will leave your page in a hurry. Change it no matter how much you love Anthrax…and I do love Anthrax.

The info

We all have about a thousand movies and a million songs that we love but it’s not really necessary to include them all. Keep it simple. A half dozen is a good limit to set for yourself. If you really can’t decide between Legally Blonde 2: Red White and Blonde and You Got Served, just pick one. We’ll know you have bad taste either way.


That’s pretty much it. Have fun with myspace. It’s really a good web community and has been embraced by popular culture as well as computer nerds worldwide. Just remember to keep it simple and you’ll be on the fastrack to a list of hundreds of people who don’t know you but will claim you as their own in effort to improve their imaginary self-esteem.

Anderson

The Golden Globes

So I did switch on the Golden Globes last week. I turned it on for the only part worth watching: the red carpet ceremony. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of opportunity to be cynical and sarcastic during the rest of the show, but in my humble opinion, the red carpet provides the best opportunity for rapid-response quickfire sarcastic commentary. And here we go:

Nancy O'Dell - hosing, because who the hell is she?
Julian McMahon - "Evil Doctor?" Awesome.
Keira Knightly - Eat something.
Jessica Alba - Almost as smart as my shoes.
Geena Davis - Why we shouldn't have a woman president. Also, 8x the size of her husband.
Will Ferrell - Broadway? Probably not. Please refer to exibit 1: Bewitched.
Ed Harris - Old. Wow, really old.
Gwenyth Paltrow - Pregnant or turned into a magical fairy? Who dressed you?
Adrian Brody - Holy Eurotrash Batman!
Natalie Portman - Joined the Lesbertarians??? Where'd your hair go?
Kevin Bacon - Where are the "Queer Eye" guys when you need them?
Marcia Cross - Aaaaaah! Horror!
Pierce Brosnan - Oh so smooth and sexy... until he started talking.
Pam Anderson - My those are some awesome... ahhh... novels you have there.
Kiefer Sutherland - Nice wife!
Chris Rock - Thinks Nancy O'Dell is an idiot. And is absolutely correct.
George Clooney - Little known fact: not actually sexy.
Matt Dillon - As much a caricature as ever.
Mandy Moore - Not socially awkward at all.
Jenny McCarthy - Who let you in?
Queen Latifa - TSUNAMI!!!!!
Charlize Theron - Cortney Love called. She wants her outfit back.
Johnny Depp - Which gutter did you crawl out of?
Michael Bolton - I don't think I need to say anything here.
Maria Carey - Who called the escort service?
Russell Crow - Maybe a little more grease in the hair.
Penelope Cruz - Latina crack whore or runaway hair monster?
Al Roker - Are my eyes decieving me???
Jason Lee - You rule.

And there you have it.

Kopp

Website

THIS is the website I should have created!!!! Full reviews of escort services replete with explicit detail. So close to an issue of Penthouse Forum that you may not need to call the escort after reading the reviews.

Best website idea ever.

Kopp

"Eff you" road list award

THIRD RUNNER UP - SLOW MERGING ASS
To the guy with the import that can go 0-60 in 4 seconds who's going 15 mph on the onramp for the (insert major toll road here) directly in front of my hyundai, which can only hit 60 mph if I roll up the windows, turn of the AC and pray for a tailwind, causing me to merge at 35mph...

"Eff you." --Show some courtesy man. Not all of us can get up to speed in 50 feet



SECOND RUNNER UP - FULL SERVICE ASS
To the smacked ass at the gas station who stops at the first pump (doesn't pull through to the second) causing me to pass him and the parallel park at a pump to get enough gas to get to class (it happened this morning)...

"This Eff's for you." --You're joking right? Seriously.


RUNNER UP - NEO DOUBLE PARKER ASS
To the jerkoff in any parking lot purposefully taking up two spaces because he doesn't want his car getting scratched or dinged causing me to drive around for half and hour looking for a spot in another timezone...

"Eff you and your effin paint job." --Next one I see is getting keyed.


AND THE WINNER IS...LOST IN A TOLLBOOTH ASS
To the woman at the toll booth who's decided to wait until this moment to find out how to get back to Chicago from Atlantic City and does so by asking the toll collector for a hand-drawn map, a voice recording of directions and a back massage while she waits...

"Eff you too." --In the day of Onstar, mapquest, and the cell phone the last resort should be the toll collector...and at 3am? when I'm trying to get home before I fall asleep at the wheel?

Anderson

Fat Kid Pokemon -- GO

What's better than Pokemon itself? A chubby little kid singing the Pokemon song into a video camera, putting it on the web and thus creating a lasting record of youthful idiocy.

Also, please note that there's only one thing that could be under that baseball cap - a big, fat mullet.

Kopp

I'm Cukoo for Kopp!

Are you so cool that just your name alone doesn't cut it? Sloganize your name! Why not? Good answer!

Kopp

Chocolate Never Chewed So Good

In a Forbes.com feature showing the "top nano products of 2005" one of the features is chocolate chewing gum. Apparently, the fats in chocolate reacted badly with the process of making chewing gum so nobody has ever been able to make a chocogum that wouldn't fall apart. Well now they've done it.

And that is gross.

Chocolate is meant to be eaten, not continuously chewed. Strawberry, fruit punch, grape, watermellon and blue raspberry (from the blue raspberry plant of Eastern Bumkcuf) were mean to be gum, chocolate was meant to be chocolate - served as melty squares, put on smores, made into ice cream, paired with nougat. I never heard of a vanilla gum, and if chocolate gum was such a good idea, you would think somebody would have tried a vanilla at some point. Both would be gross. In any case, I hope nano technology has more to offer us in the future besides chocolate chewing gum.

And now, for your knowledge jolt of the day - "what in the hell is nougat anyway?"

Nougat is a confectionery made with sugar or honey, roasted nuts (almonds, walnuts, pistachios or hazelnuts are common) and sometimes chopped, candied fruit. The consistency of nougat can range from chewy to hard depending on its composition. White nougat is made with beaten egg white and is soft, whereas brown nougat is made with caramelized sugar and has a firmer texture.

Of course, that is not exactly the nougat we get in our delicious Mars bars, but, rather, that is theoretical nougat. Nougat in the abstract. The essensce of nougat, if you will.

Kopp

Insane

This is a pretty insane video - I'm just waiting for someone to put up their outtakes, I can only imagine there are some pretty gnarly spills this guy took practicing some of this stuff.

Enjoy

Kopp

The Best Ever

Imagine my surprise when I went to Safeway tonight and found none less than the BEST hot sauce on the market - that's right, Frank's.

In the words of my buddy Dane Cook (though he was talking about Jolly Ranchers) - if you say that Tobasco is better I'll stab you in the jaw.

That's all I got - go enjoy some Frank's now.

Kopp

Rachael Ray

It is only ever a matter of time before the dirty laundry of anyone famous gets flung out on the collective public lawn for examination. This is pretty much unavoidable - case in point: Lindsay Lohan, case in point: the Olsen twins, case in point: Angelina Jolie, case in point: Martha Stewart, and the list goes on and on and on. Personally, I think that Rachel Ray (of "30 Minute Meals," "$20 a Day," Rachael Ray Magazine, countless cookbooks, etc, etc) has gotten far too rich and far too famous to have avoided this fate this far.

On TV, in her cookbooks, and pretty much any other time that I've seen her she just this jolly happy little chef bouncing around her perfect kitchen making perfect, tasty food and talking about how much she loves cooking. But what goes on behind the scenes? What is Rachael's vice? Is it a little of the drinky drinky? Does she kick her dog? Hang out with the ol' white rabbit (and maybe Kate Moss)? Or maybe she's another wild card doing some insider stock trading... My vote is no to all of the above. I'm actually with the good 'ol Mr. Anderson on this one - I think that when the cameras aren't rolling (at least the Food Network cameras) Ms. Ray is a big, big freaky freak. We're talking whips, toys, multiple partners, the whole nine. Just watch her perfect chef self running around the kitchen and fawning over olive oil and fresh greens and well cooked pasta - you know she gets it on.

But that's just me... well, me and Mr. Anderson. He'll back me up.

Kopp

300 Shots

So here's a link to G-Unit's response to The Game's "300 Bars & Runnin'." I tried to listen to it with as little preconception as possible, but I have to admit that I've never thought much of 50-Cent. I think he has some catchy tracks, but overall is not that talented. In any case, in my opinion, it's not much of a comeback, it takes all of G-Unit to try to do in 5 minutes what The Game did by himself in 15. As he quips in "300 Bars" - "Gave 'em a hundred bars, they ain't think I could do it / Came with two hundred, nigga this is more than music."

G-Unit couldn't quite get there with their tag team nursery rhymes over a vanilla beat. Catchy nursery rhymes, but nursery all the same. "The Game is a punk I hate him a lot / I'm so hot, you know I've been shot / I'd like to punch him in the face / and we even got Mase." Not quite on the same level.

Kopp

Lonely Island

From the guys that brought you "Lazy Sunday" before they hit SNL - check out LonelyIsland.com. (be sure to check out the "The 'Bu")

Kopp

Get Your Degree from a Reputable Institution: Florida State

Random shout-out of the week - Jenn Sterger and her impressive entry in Facebook.com. I'm not quite clear yet as to how her name got out there, but the photos of her and her friends on Facebook are bordering on soft core porn. I don't know much about her besides the few pictures I checked out, but it looks like she has had a few successful visits to McNamara/Troy. Just a hunch.

Kopp

USC: Texas Toast

I regret to say that I did not watch the fourth quarter of the game last night. I know what you're thinking, "how could someone NOT watch the fourth quarter of the game last night?" Mostly it was because I was burned out from the 5 and 1/2 hour marathon game between Penn State and Florida State the night before in the Orange Bowl - a game that saw 3 overtimes, four missed field goals, a missed extra point, a third quarter that included 8 punts and only 61 offensive yards and a whole lot of other bad football to boot. Sure Penn State won and I was happy about that, but you can't be too happy after sitting through a game like that.

So as for the USC - Texas Rose Bowl, I figured it might be more of the same after watching some pretty poor football (particularly defense) in the first half. I have to say, though, bad football or not, Reggie Bush got the play of the game from me with his jump pass to his surprised teammate while getting tackled on a nice long run. If anything beat that, it was maybe the lateral that Vince Young pulled a few drives later - the only difference was that Bush's goof lost the ball for USC, while Young's led to a touchdown. The real difference in the game seemed to be Vince Young, who had 200 yards rushing and over 200 yards passing on 30 of 40. Well, ok, the difference was Vince Young and two bad defenses. That may be more what it boiled down to, but based on the hype around this game, it is very, very apparent that people are not nearly as interested in "good football" as they are in high-octane, high-scoring offenses.

One other big note of the game is once again the lack of respect for the other black guy - you know it, LenDale White. White rushed for 124 yards on 20 carries with 3 touchdowns. He now has 57 career touchdowns which is a USC record. But who was interviewed after the game? That's right Reggie Bush. So once again, you don't need skill, just sex appeal. I love you other black guy, don't worry about what they say.

With a loss this historic, breaking USC's 34-game winning streak, you can't expect life to go on without any consequences. Here are my predictions for the implications of last night's big loss for USC:

- Pete Carroll will rebuff multiple offers from NFL teams, but will be too distraught to continue coaching at USC and will trade his red turtleneck for a black one and start directing porn. His first feature will be called "USC: University of Sweet-Ass Chicks"

- The other black guy will go into the NFL draft along with Reggie Bush, and will go on to become one of the best straight-up power runners that the NFL has ever seen. After many successful seasons with the Jacksonville Jaguars he will be exposed as a sexual deviant (multiple partners, candlewax, you know the drill) and traded to the Raiders to join Moss and Collins. Meanwhile, Reggie Bush will be a huge NFL flop and will join another former college great, Maurice Clarett, in a purse snatching ring.

- Vince Young will be drafted #3 in the draft, but will get the biggest contract of the draft class. He will use some of his newfound riches to hire a tutor and learn to read.

- University of Southern California will still have some of the hottest women alive.

- Matt Leinart will have a good, but not great, NFL career, but even more notably, he will strike up a close freindship with 50-Cent who he will meet in - surprise - the club. When Leinart destroys his ACL in his 6th NFL season, he and 50, who will have completely sold out by that point, will star in a sitcom "Whitey and da Thug" on Fox.

- ABC will continue to sponsor the big college bowl games, but begin a practice of ritual sacrifices, praying to the gods that they have more 5 1/2 hour games like the PSU/FSU game that allowed them to show enough commercials to pay for the entire next season of college football rights.

Kopp

Hot or Not

If you're like me and you a) can't help but waste time on meaningless things and b) enjoy judging people, often harshly, then you need to check out Hot or Not. This has actually been out there for a while, but I figured I'd make sure that everyone knows about it. Basically you scroll through pictures of men and women (you can choose either sex or both) and rate them on how good looking (or fugly as the case may be). You get to choose a rating for the person and then you see the average rating that they've recieved from everybody else.

Not surprisingly, my ratings tend to fall considerably lower than the average. But that's just me.

Enjoy.

Kopp

The GOOG

I've been listening to a lot of financial new programs lately and soaking up as much good knowledge on the market as I can so I can try to beat the S&P in '06. One of the cliched "darlings of Wall Street" right now is Google (ticker: GOOG) and so I have to listen to endless jibber jabber about the company and how great it is, despite the fact that it is trading at a fairly rich valuation (50x forward earnings, or 1.7x forward earnings over long term growth, aka PEG). What I love, though, is to hear non-financial newscasters talk about the stock since they can't seem to grasp the fact that if the company keeps a low number of shares outstanding that the stock price will be optically high (it currently trades at around $440/share). Instead they look at the share price and babble like a idiot (I actually picture them running around the studio in circles like chickens after being de-headed) about "oooh oooh Google, price soo high, this is craaaaazy, a $400 stock? What will we do, what will we do?"

To put it in very simple terms, it's like getting outraged that the crate sized box of Kix (you know, "kid tested, mother approved"?) that you get at Costco is more expensive than a normal sized box you get at the grocery store. With fewer shares of Google outstanding, you own more of the company with every share you purchase, therefore the shares should be more expensive. If Google were to do, say, a 2-for-1 stock split, which is what many companies do when their share price gets optically high, they would trade at around $220/share, while a 4-for-1 split would put them at about $110/share. But of course you own less Google with each share, so net-net you're no better off. It's obvious that Google likes to go a little off-center, especially when it comes to financial matters (they used the famous Dutch-auction IPO) and letting the stock price get optically high like this fits the bill.

Of course Google isn't the only company to do this. There's a guy named Warren Buffet who runs a fairly successful company called Berkshire Hathaway and he has never split his stock. Currently, the class B shares of Berkshire (which have no voting rights) sell at $2,990/share, while the class A shares (with voting rights) sell for a cool $89,990/share. It hasn't worked out so badly for Warren and Berkshire, and, who knows, maybe it won't for Google either. So, if you're in the market right now, or getting into the market, don't get scared off by the $400+ price tag on a Google share, it's only a number (unless of course you plan to invest less than $400 in Google, because then you're stuck - you won't be able to afford a single share); if you're going to get scared, let it be from the big earnings multiple.

In related news, there is a band formerly known as Kumar Pachenko, now known as Sandpaper Valentine, that did a song called Googleburger. I want to get my hands on a copy of Googleburger, so if anyone has info on where to get this cold cut classic, post it up here bitches!

Kopp

300 Bars and Runnin'

So for those of you that aren't up on the hip-hop news like I am, you probably wouldn't know that The Game no longer affiliates himself with G-Unit. He now considers himself part of G-U-Not. Clever, I like it. Some inside hip-hop politics that I've picked up say that The Game thinks that 50 Cent (aka Fiddy Cent or just 50) sold out and went from being a gangster to being soft, spending his time "in the candy shop" or "in da club." The Game, street soldier to the end, released a 15+ minute track bashing 50 and all of G-Unit called "300 Bars and Runnin'." Unfortunately, you won't find this track on iTunes, Yahoo! or in the CD stores, BUT I was able to find it here. Now you're in the hip-hop know.

And as some bonus knowledge: when you want to get your hip-hop groove on you can buy yourself some grillz like Nelly, Paul Wall or David Banner (three fine gentlemen). Grillz, in case you didn't know, are removeable teeth plates that give you the appearance of having iced out teeth. Is there a better way to show the way that you play the game???

Kopp

Chronic - WHAT - cles of Narnia

If you haven't seen this awesome video from those crazy SNLers ("Lazy Sunday"), check it out, it's really funny... speaking of which... I should change my pants.

You can also download the MP3 of the song here.

Kopp

Kobe

For all I care, Kobe could score 100 points in a game. In fact, hopefully he will because the Lakers need it. They're doing OK as a basketball team, but it's Kobe that keeps them afloat as an attraction in LA. Ever since the loss of Shaq and "real basketball" in LA, citizens of the city of angels have had little more than the antics and selfishness of Kobe -- probably much more exciting to most LA citizens than real basketball.

Allen Iverson was the last NBA player to score 60 points in a game, and that was last year. I'm sure Allen did it in his ghetto fabulous style, and I prefer that over Kobe's whiney "I'm angry at the media and I'm angry that we lost last night so I'm going to play more selfish than usual" style. Good for Kobe, though, because he beat out the previous points record at the Staples Center which was set by Shaq. Maybe he can finally get out of Shaq's shadow. Maybe when he becomes a basketball player that people want to have on their team.

Kopp

Light, Sweet Crude

"Crude-oil prices rose Wednesday morning after the U.S. government's weekly petroleum report showed a decline in domestic inventories of distillate fuel, which include heating oil and diesel.

But the report also showed a surprising build in crude-oil supplies and that could offset any gains."

This was big news for December 20th. That and the continuing transit strike in NY. And the trial of that drunk old man Saddam Hussein. And Kobe scoring 62 points in three quarters and Johnny Damon actually being traded to the Yankees. Oh, and in finance GM stock continuing to fall like a rock.

I'm most concerned about the light, sweet crude though. I think because it sounds kind of delicious.

Light, sweet crude.

Kind of sexy too.

Light, sweet and crude.

I think someone needs to productize this light, sweet crude, I can envision a big seller. Anything that combines delicious and sexy in such a way could practically sell itself. I can see it now -- MTV, Shakira -- dancing around in her sexy way all covered in light, sweet crude and just loving it. Then maybe Enrique Inglesias comes out with one of those red containers filled with light, sweet crude and starts dancing with Shakira and pouring it all over himself. Maybe he could start singing -- something like "luz, petroleo bruto dulce / tan sexy, tan sexy / amo el gusto y el aroma." I'm sure he can make that sound all sinful and sexy. Then maybe they find themselves at a beach at sunset, with a tanker off in the distance that has just struck a reef. The two of them dash (sexy dash, not hurried dash) down to the shoreline and start splashing around in all the delicious, sexy light, sweet crude that is gushing out from the crashed tanker. It would all be very Calvin Klein-ish. Very tasteful.

After seeing that, what 16 year old, male or female, could help but run out and buy some light, sweet crude for themselves?

I think I've found the business idea I've been searching for.

Kopp

Beverly Hills

From CNN:

"Weezer lead singer Rivers Cuomo is continuing his celibacy past his self-declared deadline. The 35-year-old frontman earlier vowed to remain celibate for two years. Although that deadline expired six months ago, Cuomo still doesn't expect to jump back in the sack anytime soon."

Way to take advantage of being a rock star. That's like being an investment banker and not caring about the money. I know first hand how well that works out. All about the music my ass. He continues:

"Abstinence doesn't require as much self-discipline anymore," he says. "All you need is a few good magazines and a hatred of all things that make life worth living."

My thirst for the rock star way of life is gone forever now. I'm back to working toward the Samuri Bushido ideal.

And for your daily history lesson:

Bushido, literally translated "Way of the Warrior," developed in Japan between the Heian and Tokugawa Ages (9th-12th century). It was a code and way of life for Samurai, a class of warriors similar to the medieval knights of Europe. It was influenced by Zen and Confucianism, two different schools of thought of those periods. Bushido is not unlike the chivalry and codes of the European knights. "It puts emphasis on loyalty, self sacrifice, justice, sense of shame, refined manners, purity, modesty, frugality, martial spirit, honor and affection"

I'm especially good at the killing part.

Kopp

Proper Propaganda

So I listened to the President's address this morning, and my major reaction was this - is it just that I've never really followed politics before, or are speeches from the President always this much propoganda? I was hoping to be enlightened on the subject of our country, maybe hear some new info on the infamous "war on terror," you know, that kind of thing. Instead I got hot air. Seriously, nothing. The only thing I was able to grab from the whole speech is that GW has an increasing complex around everyone hating him; despite the fact that he believes that he has all the right answers, he seems to feel that everyone out there is against him. He should probably see someone about that, I'm sure the progression of such a paranoid complex is not pretty.

But that's just my two cents.

So for those of you who didn't listen to the address, here are the highlights: we're winning in Iraq, the Iraqis are a free people now, we need to keep up support for the war because winning is a must, terrorists are out there, they're everywhere, they want to kill us all, our country is in great shape, the economy is in excellent shape. But if you didn't know any of that you've probably had your head up your ass for the last five years. And if you've had your head up your ass for the last five years you must be very flexible.

Kopp

Welcome

Welcome to the new Subgenus... just as big, just as bad... but now it's ours. All ours!

Just don't tell Chuck Norris where we moved to. I'm not saying we moved because of Chuck... just don't tell him all the same.

Kopp