Ethics, Etiquette and Protocol: The Loser's Guide to Life - Vol. 1: Myspace

The ridiculously popular myspace has become the quintessential internet community. For no money and very little time, one is afforded a small amount of web space with which to make a small self-tribute page used (as far as I can tell) for one or more of the following:

1. Making friends
2. Making love connections
3. Providing desperate men with the means to jerk off to your image
4. Showing people how much you like beer
5. Regaining contact with estranged friends

The truth is, this web community is huge. You can post pictures; describe your personality; you can even choose one of a bazillion songs to play when people access your page. It's cool. I'm on it. I like it. Check me out if you want.

However, with this new territory of global digital relationships comes a great responsibility that I know a lot of you are not following. For this, I present to you my first installment of a series I'm calling Ethics, Etiquette and Protocol: The loser's guide to life. This volume, as you probably have already guessed, is going to tackle the wonderful world of myspace.

When building or maintaining a myspace site it is first important to remember the following mantra:

-Simplicity rules the web

Remember this for all things. I realize that once you get involved with MySpace to the unhealthy levels that most of us have, you begin to realize, at least unconsciously, that your page is your avatar (the digital representation of yourself) and like most Americans concerned deeply with self-image, you want to make "yourself" as attractive as possible. Beware. You can cause yourself a lot of trouble by overdoing it or by making a few poor decisions. We'll deal with the major properties of your myspace page and hopefully get you well on your way to increased security with your imaginary self and a greater sense of imaginary self-worth as you increase the number of imaginary friends you have. (Note: I say imaginary not to mean that this isn't a viable community or to denigrate the community or your participation in it. I merely mean that if you have more meaningful relationships on myspace than you have in real life, then you are a loser.)


The Name

Use your real name, please! If you want to use a nickname that is ACTUALLY a nickname go for it. If your name is John, don’t write Pimp Daddy. We’ll know you’re not a pimp. We’ll know that if you are actually a daddy, your kid is probably a loser without child support. What we won’t know is your name.

The Picture

This is the first (and in many cases, the only) thing that people look at so it is important to choose your photo wisely. This is essentially the face of your avatar (remember what avatar means? See above if you don't) and will tell people not only what you look like, but what kind of person you are. For instance, if your picture is a full-body shot of yourself with your hat on backwards and no sleeves on your shirt (if you're wearing a shirt) and you’re flexing your biceps while raising an eyebrow (ala The Rock) people will know you're a douche. Please, for the sake of your digital reputations, follow these rules when considering a photo:

• Cover yourself - I know, I know. You want people to see how great your body is but for the guys, you just look like an effin' joke. Trust me. I've sat around while girls sifted through your profiles and laughed at you. As for the women. It's a little different. Guys definitely don't mind the skin but bear in mind what kind of guys you're going to have as friends if you have your cans hanging out...basically the eyebrow guys from the above paragraph. This will ensure that everywhere that a comment is possible will be filled with eyebrow douche-nozzle guy saying things like "When can I get some of that!" or "Nice bod, I can tell you have a lot of personality." It's just not worth it.
• NO ALCOHOL!!! - I can't stress this enough. You want a quick way to look like an asshole on MySpace? Take a picture of yourself doing a kegstand and put it up there. Now there are some tasteful pictures that can pass. If it's a really nice photo but you're holding a beer, I can see how this could go against my rule. But everyone knows someone with a digital camera. It can be avoided. Take a new picture. The thing you have to remember is that there are two types of people in the world: those that drink and those that don't. Those who drink don't give a shit that you drink. It's nothing new to them. Keg stands are nothing new. Neither are beer funnels, nor lumberjacking (double-fisting) and your forty certainly isn't impressing anyone. Those that don't drink really don't give a shit that you drink. In fact, it just looks juvenile.
• Careful with group photos - I understand that you want to include all your girls or your boys but it's friggin' confusing to everyone else. As far as I know, "Joe momma" is a frat boy with five heads...all of which can kiss my ass.
• Don't use celebrity photos – I know it’s funny to have Mark-Paul Gossalaar as your photo but since no one can see your full name, your face is basically all anyone has to know that you are the person they’re looking for. Keep it legitimate no matter how unsightly you may be.

The Background

There’s not much to say about this except to remember the mantra. Solid colors are the way to go. White is always a good color but if you must change it (like I did) make sure that you change the whole color scheme so that it doesn’t clash and you can read the text. A black background always sucks and if you know someone who has a floating image as their background, smack them on the wrists, point your finger at them and say “NO!” Not only is it impossible to read a profile with the image but for those who have computers teeming with illegally downloaded songs and a slightly obsolete processor, they’ll get bored loading your page and move on to the next half-naked person.

The Song

There are no real big no-no’s here. This is a neat little way myspace has created to show your individuality. I recommend you avoid anything by Creed or Nickelback because they suck Bigfoot’s dick but if you must, you must. Just make sure that the song is easily ignored. If your music is irritating in any way people will leave your page in a hurry. Change it no matter how much you love Anthrax…and I do love Anthrax.

The info

We all have about a thousand movies and a million songs that we love but it’s not really necessary to include them all. Keep it simple. A half dozen is a good limit to set for yourself. If you really can’t decide between Legally Blonde 2: Red White and Blonde and You Got Served, just pick one. We’ll know you have bad taste either way.


That’s pretty much it. Have fun with myspace. It’s really a good web community and has been embraced by popular culture as well as computer nerds worldwide. Just remember to keep it simple and you’ll be on the fastrack to a list of hundreds of people who don’t know you but will claim you as their own in effort to improve their imaginary self-esteem.

Anderson