The Golden Globes

So I did switch on the Golden Globes last week. I turned it on for the only part worth watching: the red carpet ceremony. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of opportunity to be cynical and sarcastic during the rest of the show, but in my humble opinion, the red carpet provides the best opportunity for rapid-response quickfire sarcastic commentary. And here we go:

Nancy O'Dell - hosing, because who the hell is she?
Julian McMahon - "Evil Doctor?" Awesome.
Keira Knightly - Eat something.
Jessica Alba - Almost as smart as my shoes.
Geena Davis - Why we shouldn't have a woman president. Also, 8x the size of her husband.
Will Ferrell - Broadway? Probably not. Please refer to exibit 1: Bewitched.
Ed Harris - Old. Wow, really old.
Gwenyth Paltrow - Pregnant or turned into a magical fairy? Who dressed you?
Adrian Brody - Holy Eurotrash Batman!
Natalie Portman - Joined the Lesbertarians??? Where'd your hair go?
Kevin Bacon - Where are the "Queer Eye" guys when you need them?
Marcia Cross - Aaaaaah! Horror!
Pierce Brosnan - Oh so smooth and sexy... until he started talking.
Pam Anderson - My those are some awesome... ahhh... novels you have there.
Kiefer Sutherland - Nice wife!
Chris Rock - Thinks Nancy O'Dell is an idiot. And is absolutely correct.
George Clooney - Little known fact: not actually sexy.
Matt Dillon - As much a caricature as ever.
Mandy Moore - Not socially awkward at all.
Jenny McCarthy - Who let you in?
Queen Latifa - TSUNAMI!!!!!
Charlize Theron - Cortney Love called. She wants her outfit back.
Johnny Depp - Which gutter did you crawl out of?
Michael Bolton - I don't think I need to say anything here.
Maria Carey - Who called the escort service?
Russell Crow - Maybe a little more grease in the hair.
Penelope Cruz - Latina crack whore or runaway hair monster?
Al Roker - Are my eyes decieving me???
Jason Lee - You rule.

And there you have it.

Kopp